i never understood why you don't let me.

***

on the other hand, you have truly *ucked up.

and i hope this is the first and last time i say that to you.

sometimes it hurts instead.

i don't know what kind of excuse, what kind of reason i can come up with for you anymore.

i can't be the only one at fault, right?

 

&& i wonder "do i matter?"

i needed you. yes, its in the past tense because it is the past. as time passed, i realized and very painfully and gradually accepted the simple fact that i can't need you because you'll never be able to be here for me the way i need you to.

is that cruel of me; to learn and grow and perhaps to hurt less?

i don't miss you anymore because missing you doesn't make time pass any faster, doesn't transport you right next to me, doesn't make the reality any less real. the simple truth is missing you doesn't change anything. so i decided to live happily, without the pain of missing you always lingering in my heart and at the back of my mind.

is that wrong of me; to want to live a normal and peaceful life, being able to function?

this is my way of coping, this is my way of making sense of our relationship. it may not seem right to you but i know no other ways.

i'm sorry.

 what is love?

to me, love is

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