♥

sometimes it lasts in love,

2012-02-15T02:48:00.000+08:00

sometimes it hurts instead.

한숨.

2012-02-12T23:46:00.002+08:00

i don't know what kind of excuse, what kind of reason i can come up with for you anymore.

i can't be the only one at fault, right?

over the sea.

2012-02-11T00:30:00.000+08:00

&& i wonder "do i matter?"

love me tender.

2012-02-01T02:48:00.001+08:00

난 그냥 사랑해.

no matter how many times we argue and cry, those times are erased the moment i see you, hold your hands in mine and have you next to me because i look at you and its just not possible to not love you.

내 마음에서.

2011-12-20T03:34:00.000+08:00

i needed you. yes, its in the past tense because it is the past. as time passed, i realized and very painfully and gradually accepted the simple fact that i can't need you because you'll never be able to be here for me the way i need you to.

is that cruel of me; to learn and grow and perhaps to hurt less?

i don't miss you anymore because missing you doesn't make time pass any faster, doesn't transport you right next to me, doesn't make the reality any less real. the simple truth is missing you doesn't change anything. so i decided to live happily, without the pain of missing you always lingering in my heart and at the back of my mind.

is that wrong of me; to want to live a normal and peaceful life, being able to function?

this is my way of coping, this is my way of making sense of our relationship. it may not seem right to you but i know no other ways.

i'm sorry.

i don't understand.

2011-12-20T03:01:00.003+08:00

what is love?

to me, love is

사랑은 당신에게 무엇인가?

defective construct system.

2011-12-12T21:04:00.000+08:00

wrote a little something during my Personality Psy exam and i believe it went something like this:

you are beautiful; you broke her heart

and she told you how to leave

no words leave her mouth

the tale is not on her tongue

because she tells her story through her eyes
and her tears are rainbows disappearing

no words leave her lips

the words already consumed in her heart

i...

2011-11-20T22:22:00.001+08:00

choose to be happy because

hoping my brain will remember that though.

here i go again.

2011-11-18T00:20:00.001+08:00

there should be a line you shouldn't cross, right?

is feeling

2011-11-05T22:54:00.000+08:00

dysfunctional and self-destructive.

i could really use you by my side right now.

//

it'll be a fitful sleep for me tonight. there was no good night.

//

its getting worse, darling.
i feel it in my veins.

i swallow the lump in my throat.

2011-11-05T00:54:00.003+08:00

i feel myself fading away because i have ~~noone~~ nothing to hold on to.

늦가을.

2011-10-27T02:13:00.001+08:00

what a thin line between denial and hope.

don't remind me.

2011-10-26T15:54:00.004+08:00

so pretty, this self-pity i'm drowning in

so dreadful, i've fallen off the edge

don't come with me, you're too beautiful

to be tainted with this misery

i need you like the air i breathe

and you need me like a pair of blue jeans

your favorite but only illogical

to put on everyday

leave when i tell you to go

this loneliness is only mine to bear

walk your road, walk on your own

while i sleep it all away

***

“Is not this the true romantic feeling - not to desire to escape life, but to prevent life from escaping you?” -Thomas Wolfe

happiness is a choice.

2011-10-17T00:20:00.001+08:00

i want...

to fly away.

to be happy (more times than being sad or angry).

to be in a relationship where there's only two of us.

to stop crying because of you.

to give up.

***

what happens when there is no longer a difference between you being here and not being here? i am still left alone. what happens if there is no difference if i'm there or not? i'm only the substitute.

i fear this train of thought ~~but maybe its only extremely selfish of me to keep holding on to you.~~

i'm sure my biological make-up is not the one to be blamed.

and yes, that was sarcastic because i'd rather be a man and you'd be gay but you won't have to endure my PMS. :D

난 널 필요 없어.

2011-10-11T23:12:00.002+08:00

Lately

i've felt like running away

to a faraway place where i'll have no reasons to cry

Lately
i've felt like escaping

and it matters no more if you're coming along with me

Lately
i've been trying to give up
this incessant need to need

Lately
i've been wanting to stop caring

yes. yes, i should.

***

it should be different.

its not.

***

an interesting thought popped up while i was washing my face.
why do you need a girlfriend when you've got your mum?

항상 우는.

2011-10-08T11:12:00.001+08:00

a prick is as painful as a stab.

a stab is as painful as a prick.

what difference is there?

***

i hide behind these curtains
and deep inside my wall
fault me if ever you see what goes on inside
but wrong me not if they hurt you
for they pain me more

i dwell in my dreams
although not even they provide the solitude i need
my dreams taunt and tire me

and sleep provides no rest no comfort
for you are there too

is this the way i have taken to love myself
to place myself in front of knives and needles
that for every one minute of joy is an hour of tears
that i'd give away my heart so that it returns broken
and one bit of preservation i have not

is this the way you have taken to love me
your actions speaks not the words you have told me
should i then just be satisfied with the words that come out of your mouth
do you think the money you have spent will buy back all the tears i have shed
and all the time that i have needed you

i care no more
i want no more
i need no more
i be no more
because i too am starting to disappoint myself

***

p.s. oh dear, its so not a good thing if i start writing. :/

a-cha.

2011-10-03T03:18:00.000+08:00

and this is how Kyu makes love with his eyes.

and this is how Hyuk tells you how he doesn't give a damn.

and this is Wook being the queen.

and this is how Hae flips you off.

and this how Teuk tells you he know what he does to the millions of girls out there.

and this is Min telling you he ain't just a pretty boy.

credit: http://neo-infernal.livejournal.com

rumble.

2011-10-02T21:21:00.000+08:00

there used to be a time where i would not eat even when i was starving.

a form of punishment, i'd tell myself.

and now, when i'm hungry and would very much love to fill that void, i find myself not having the appetite.

such irony. such cruelty.

like a love heart carved on a tree.

2011-10-01T22:46:00.004+08:00

i didn't use to bruise so easily.

when did i become this weak, this vulnerable?

i feel the past chasing me.

2011-09-26T23:11:00.003+08:00

and this is my hope; just like the angry red lines on my arms that fade away, my pain will too.

just another day.

2011-09-26T21:21:00.001+08:00

its gotten better, it really has.

its gotten worse, it really has.

i'm tired.

why?

2011-09-26T00:46:00.001+08:00

i now know how it feels like to be the less important part of someone's life.

i never had to worry about what position i'm in.

but apparently now i do.

and it sucks balls.

go figure.

---

i'm trying so hard at not caring, or wanting or being that i'm actually caring, wanting and being.

아, 난 상관 없어.

비.

2011-09-23T23:55:00.000+08:00

pained. conflicted. angry. annoyed.

sleepy.

---

where do i belong? it feels like i'm searching for things that don't even belong to me.

i just want it to feel right.

40 Days of Super Junior: Day 20.

2011-09-15T01:41:00.000+08:00

Day 20. Favorite picture of Super Junior.

if you thought i forgot, i didn't. it really isn't easy to look for a favorite picture, so i just went with the first one that caught my eye. and i guess this isn't really a picture but its beautiful because it says exactly what i want it to say. FAMILY. its not a complete picture of everyone but the most important thing is that they look so happy in this gif and this is one of the rare moments where this photoshoot was work as much as fun. so ya. good times, those were; but not that now is that bad either. (:

40 Days of Super Junior: Day 38. 39 & 40.

2011-09-13T18:36:00.000+08:00

Day 38. What present would you give to each member? Why?

personally, i don't think i can give them anything materialistic that they do not have or cannot afford. but what i can give as a fan is undying support for each and everyone of them, be it solo or group. i may be biased towards my favs some times; people are like that but i'm sure they have their own enormous group of fans anyway. and i can safely say that once ELF, always ELF. (:

Day 39. What does "Super Junior" make you think of?

a group of individuals, each with their own talents, gifts and charms that came together under the same love and passion for performing, singing and entertaining. Super Junior is 15 people, each one of them able to stand on their own but only when they are together, do they shine the brightest. it makes me think of friendship and brotherhood, of love, support and encouragement, of hard work, perseverance and faith.

Day 40. What does "Ever Lasting Friends" make you think of?

its not easy to love so many people, really. for me, i'd only have about 6 biases but i love Super Junior + Zhoumi and Henry and they're amazing people. thus, its only natural that ELFs are amazing people too. the mutual love that we share for Super Junior unites people of all races, nationality and language. now, that's really cool. Ever Lasting Friends make me think of a love that has no boundaries, either between ELFs and SuJu or among ELFs ourselves. ^^

i have finally finished this meme. here's Hyuk's kiss to celebrate!

link to Meme. (:

40 Days Of Super Junior: Day 35, 36 & 37

2011-09-12T00:19:00.000+08:00

Day 35. Favorite SJ moment and the SJ moment you dislike the most for each year. (2005-2010)

although i only started becoming a fan in late 2008, i did know about most of everything that happened to SuJu but since i'm really bad with years and dates and such, i'll just mention them regardless of chronology.

Like:

when Super Junior05 officially became Super Junior after Kyuhyun was added in.

when ELFs sang Marry U to them during SS1.

every time they won an award; most memorable would be when they won for their first Mutizen for U and when they won MKMF Best Newcomer Award.

the success of Sorry Sorry in 2008.

becoming world-idols.

Dislike:

Kyuhyun, Leeteuk, Shindong & Eunhyuk's accident.

Donghae's dad passing away.
Heechul's accident.

when Kibum started MIA-ing for real.

when Kangin had his accidents and went off to the army.

Leeteuk's random emo moments.
the Only13 time (because i love Zhoumi and Henry, okay!)

Day 36. How would/did you feel if/when you saw SJ members live? Why?

saw them live during SS2 Malaysia and it felt overwhelming and amazing. there is nothing like them. the atmosphere, the performances, the singing, the dancing, their fanservice, everything was AWESOME. (okay, i might change my mind after seeing Big Bang. maybe a tie?)

Day 37. Which would you like more: to just watch them from afar or to interact with them? Why?

oh dear, i'm torn. but i think i would love to interact with them. maybe not in a very direct way because i am shy like that, but maybe to be able to work around/near them so that i could still keep an eye on them. i'd really like to know how they are in real life.

link to Meme. (:

40 Days Of Super Junior: Day 32, 33 & 34.

2011-09-05T22:45:00.000+08:00

Day 32. The SJ comeback you liked the most.

the 4th album. here's why. (:

Day 33. The SJ quote you like the most.

Leeteuk: We're going to continue on until the day that Pearl Sapphire Blue balloons cover the entire world.

Day 34. Favorite SJ related thing you want to have the most. Why?

erm, a handshake? a hug? hehe.

link to Meme. (:

40 Days Of Super Junior: Day 31.

2011-09-01T19:37:00.000+08:00

Three things you like and dislike about each member.
(i'll just write as much i can think of, be it like or dislike, kay? although i do foresee more likes than dislikes. :D)

Leeteuk - like: leadership, perseverance, wit (can i add one more? smile!)

dislike: his occasional moodiness (but then, everyone is entitled to some time off.)

Heechul - like: well, if you were to say his 4D-ness is a kind of confidence and the way he's self-assured and not afraid to speak his mind.
dislike: his don't-give-a-damn attitude but of course, as we all know, he does have a heart of gold and his love for the rest of the members is no less than any others.

Hankyung - like: i guess its his stability. if you look at him and compare him to the rest of SuJu, you'd agree that he's most probably the sanest one among all of them, the one that seems to be most grounded. and i guess his courage for leaving SME and paving his path on his own.
dislike: the fact that he left. ):

Yesung - like: his beautiful melancholic voice.
dislike: his occasional creepiness.

Kangin - like: his strength. if i said that Hankyung was stable, then Kangin's the rock of SuJu. if i thought that Hyuk has good chemistry with Teuk on programs and shows and stuff, then Kangin is the perfect match to Teuk's wit and lame jokes. and despite the mistakes he made, he's still Korea's No. 1 handsome man. ^^
dislike: his temper.

Shindong - like: the fact that he's in SuJu and people talking about his weight but he's still holding on, proves that he is an awesome guy. plus he looks good in dresses.
dislike: how good he looks in dresses.

Sungmin - like: multi-talented, focused, determined, beautiful. he has the most gorgeous mouth. okay, i sound like a perv but i think his mouth is the epitome of cupid's bow.
dislike: how his greatness and talents are often overlooked.

Eunhyuk - like: everything! he is my bias after all.
dislike:not valid. HEEH.

Donghae - like: his sincerity, he can seem quite naive sometimes, doesn't he? his sad eyes that makes you want to cuddle him.
dislike: nothing.

Siwon - like: how he doesn't let go of any chance to proclaim his faith. i think that's very encouraging.his humility and hand gestures!
dislike: his schedule. why are they making him work so hard?

Ryeowook - like: his care, attention and love for his hyungs. the WookChul relationship baffles me because to me, they are two people who are absolutely opposite of each other and yet, they form a friendship so unique (mainly when Wook cooks for Chul. lol.) and i super like his confidence and all the winks and sexiness he's oozing out right now.
dislike: how quiet and shy he is (although he's definitely proving to us that he's not just that.)

Kibum - like: when i first got into SuJu which was during Sorry Sorry, he's not really there anymore so i'm not sure what i could say.he has a nice smile?
dislike: his disappearance.

Kyuhyun - like: his snark, sarcasm, maknae power, his awkward smile, his voice.
dislike: him getting hurt ever again.

Bonus:

Zhoumi - like: his long legs, style, his blinding smile, his optimism and strength.
dislike: how he can pull off pants like nobody else can.

Henry - like: he can speak English! and he's super cute!
dislike: how he is not getting the opportunity to do more because he definitely has the abilities.

p.s wonderful people will always be wonderful. (:

link to Meme.

40 Days Of Super Junior: Day 28, 29 & 30.

2011-08-27T16:21:00.000+08:00

Day 28. The member who has changed the most since debut, in your opinion. Why?

Ryeowook. he's definitely changed a lot in terms of his confidence on stage since the beginning till now. his moves used to be awkward and it feels like he was uncomfortable doing all the dancing and singing but lately, especially in Mr. Simple's performance, he's the one oozing all the sex appeal; winking, brushing dust off his shoulder and he's got that confident look in his eyes that says "I know you want me."

Day 29. The member you dream about the most.

i don't think i've ever literally dream of anyone. but if i can, Hyuk will be awesome. ^^

Day 30. The member who makes you laugh the most.

Hyuk. i love his most of the time wit, occasional lame and overall, laced with a naivety that only Hyuk looks innocent enough to pull off. heeeh.

link to Meme. (:

Bonus: sexy Wook!

40 Days Of Super Junior: Day 21 - 27.

2011-08-23T01:30:00.000+08:00

as you can see, i'm skipping question 20. i'll get back to it after this. ^^

Day 21. The SJ member you have a crush on. Why?

은혁/ 이혁재. because he's the cutest, wittiest, bestest dancer ever! :D and he has the most adorable gummy smile and wrinkly eyes! and did i mention totally sexy?

Day 22. Favorite picture of your SJ crush. Why?

because this picture totally depicts why i love him.

Day 23. What would you write to your SJ crush?
Dear Eunhyuk, never stop smiling and dancing.

Day 24. A special member to you. Why?

Kyuhyun. because underneath that witty sarcasm and unyielding maknae power, its his love for SuJu and all the pain (literal and non-literal) that makes me love him more.

Day 25. The member you misunderstood at first. Why?
Kibum. still kinda do. keke. i wish there's just some sort of explanation on why he's not active in SuJu. the fans deserve at least that.

Day 26. The member you want to be like. Why?

Leeteuk. his perseverance, his hard work, his never-give-up attitude. his leadership, especially is admirable because its never easy to lead 12 grown men to stardom. and not just these, but also the times when he has felt lonely, it showed how real he is, like any other men but this does not mean he can't achieve the goals he has.

Day 27. The member you first had a crush on. Why?

Hyuk. because he was a very good dancer. that was what caught my eye.

link to Meme. (:

40 Days Of Super Junior: Day 17, 18, 19.

2011-08-21T17:48:00.000+08:00

Day 17. Favorite solo song.

Yesung's 너 아니면 안돼 (It Has To Be You)

love the lyrics and love the way Yesung's melancholic voice fit so well with the whole song. in fact, i feel that he made this song entirely his own. i love Kyu's or Hyuk's version of this song but i think only Yesung could bring out the emotion and meaning of this song.

Day 18. Favorite SJ MV.

너라고 (Its You)

its my favorite mv because its different from their usual MVs and this one actually has some sort of plot behind it. i like the artistic approach and how all 13 of them had to film it in a way that accentuated their relationship with each other; always so in sync with each other. unfortunately, it seems to be the first and last attempt of something like this for them. D:

Day 19. Favorite Super Junior sub group and favorite song.

torn between SJM and SJH but i'll go with SJM.

despite losing Hankyung, i can't help but admit simply loving the fact that Hyuk and Min was added into SJM. this is definitely my bias talking. heeh.

favorite song would be 幸福微甜 (Love Is Sweet). i adore the lyrics and its so cute the way they have to sing so fast in the song. keke.

link to Meme. (:

40 Days Of Super Junior: Day 12, 13, 14, 15, 16.

2011-08-20T22:26:00.000+08:00

Day 12. Favorite Super Junior lyrics.

I want to be a large tree that stays by your side to watch over you under the skies
- Lovely Day, U Single

Day 13. Favorite song from Super Junior 05.

Miracle
널 처음 본 순간 a miracle (a miracle)
I love you baby and I’m never gonna stop

So I
그대 뿐이죠 두근거리는 맘도
나 이렇게 so I love you
사랑한다고 늘 고맙다고 너무

Day 14. Favorite song from Don't Don.

소원이 있나요 Sapphire Blue

우리 둘이 구름 위로
두 손 걸고 약속
Oh 사랑해

Day 15. Favorite song from Sorry, Sorry.

니가 좋은 이유 (Why I Like You)
날 완벽하게, 내가 살아가게, 나를 웃게 하는 단 하나의 이유 yeah~
그대가 있다는 것 yeah~

Day 16. Favorite song from Bonamana.

나란 사람 (Your Eyes)
한 번, 날 돌아봐 너무 멀지 않은 곳에 여전히 서있는 듯 해

link to Meme. (:

40 Days Of Super Junior: Day 10 & 11.

2011-08-19T14:21:00.000+08:00

Day 10. Favorite SJ year.

the year of Sorry Sorry: 2008. the year they became known and were finally acknowledged by the Kpop industry. they were pretty popular during their U times but Sorry Sorry brought them to a whole new level. it brought them to not only be known throughout Korea but it expanded them to South East Asia and beyond. it was also the year where i learned about them and fell in love with them. ^^ and you could also say, it was the last year that all of them were together.

Day 11. Favorite SJ album.

4th Album - Bonamana 미인아. i solely based the answer on which album has songs that i like and listen to more. i love the Kyu and Yesung duet, Your Eyes. and the ver. C album which has All My Heart and A Short Journey, two songs which meant a lot to SuJu and to us, fans. not to forget, Boom Boom, the sexiest SuJu song ever! :D

link to Meme (:

40 Days Of Super Junior: Day 8 & Day 9.

2011-08-18T23:13:00.000+08:00

originally, i was doing this meme in my xanga but now that posting pictures on blogspot has become much more convenient, i thought i'd save the energy and just continue on here instead. ᄏᄏᄏ

so here's the link to the meme and links to Day 1 - 7. (:

>40 Days of Super Junior Meme

***

Day 08: Favorite SJ TV show and one more thing: honestly, how many episodes of Super Junior Show you've watched.

favorite tv show will have to be Exploration of the Human Body / 인체탐험대. i explained a lil more on day 4, so you can take a look at that post.

and unfortunately, till this day, i have not watched the complete Super Junior Show. i might have caught a few episodes or cuts here and there but not the entire whole show. D:

Day 09. Favorite SJ radio show.

Super Junior Kiss the Radio. i love the EunTeuk interaction. they absolutely compliment each other. :D

40 Days Of Super Junior

2011-08-04T02:33:00.000+08:00

Saw this on lady-hanaka's LJ and decided to give it a go. Will be linking this post as i go on with the meme in my Xanga. (: don't think i'll be able to stick to the schedule though as holidays are starting soon and i'll have limited Internet access. i guess this 40 days meme will be able to let you know about my love for Super Junior and how wonderful they are. ^^

okay, 시작하자!

Day 01. When and how did you become a Super Junior fan?
Day 02. First SJ song you heard.
Day 03. First member you saw.
Day 04. First SJ show you watched.
Day 05. Favorite SJ song.
Day 06. Favorite SJ performance.
Day 07. Favorite SJ tour.
Day 08. Favorite SJ TV show and one more thing: honestly, how many episodes of Super Junior Show you've watched.
Day 09. Favorite SJ radio show.
Day 10. Favorite SJ year.
Day 11. Favorite SJ album.Day 12. Favorite Super Junior lyrics.
Day 13. Favorite song from Super Junior 05.
Day 14. Favorite song from Don't Don.
Day 15. Favorite song from Sorry, Sorry.
Day 16. Favorite song from Bonamana.
Day 17. Favorite solo song.
Day 18. Favorite SJ MV.
Day 19. Favorite Super Junior sub group and favorite song.
Day 20. Favorite picture of Super Junior.
Day 21. The SJ member you have a crush on. Why?
Day 22. Favorite picture of your SJ crush. Why?
Day 23. What would you write to your SJ crush?
Day 24. A special member to you. Why?
Day 25. The member you misunderstood at first. Why?
Day 26. The member you want to be like. Why?
Day 27. The member you first had a crush on. Why?
Day 28. The member who has changed the most since debut, in your opinion. Why?
Day 29. The member you dream about the most.
Day 30. The member who makes you laugh the most.
Day 31. Three things you like and dislike about each member.
Day 32. The SJ comeback you liked the most.
Day 33. The SJ quote you like the most.
Day 34. Favorite SJ related thing you want to have the most. Why?
Day 35. Favorite SJ moment and the SJ moment you dislike the most for each year. (2005-2010)
Day 36. How would/did you feel if/when you saw SJ members live? Why?
Day 37. Which would you like more: to just watch them from afar or to interact with them? Why?
Day 38. What present you would give to each member? Why?
Day 39. What does "Super Junior" make you think of?
Day 40. What does "Ever Lasting Friends" make you think of?

still.

2011-08-02T16:22:00.000+08:00

had a terrible dream. and the fear still lingers. every heartbeat of mine remembers that feeling, remembers and dreads it. praying against everything that i will never have to feel that way again. but i know death is inevitable. still.

the pain, the sorrow as the realization manifests in my mind and then in my heart was so deep, my tears did not even know when to start. i woke up with tears in my eyes, knowing that i still have much unshed tears, tears i'm sure that has its time and place. but please, not anytime soon.

it was no doubt the scariest dream i had so far, not even comparable to when i was chased by dragons or falling off tall buildings.

/shivers

confession.

2011-07-06T01:46:00.000+08:00

you wouldn't know this

but my heart still races whenever i see you

after the longest time and hours of missing you

i still get nervous waiting for you

you wouldn't know this

but i still stare at my phone every other minute or so
hoping it'll light up, hoping its you
a call or a text, smiling when my hope is answered

you wouldn't know this

but whatever it is i'm feeling or am going through that day
i always look forward to your call

the one right before you go to bed so that i can say "i love you"

you wouldn't know this

but i still feel like a girl with her first crush

nervous and anxious; not able to spend even one day

without thinking of you, wishing you were here

you wouldn't know this

but i wonder how it'll feel like

to wake up every morning to your kiss

and fall to sleep at night, your breathing my lullaby

you wouldn't know this

but i think about how to find that same ground

where i can be with you and hold your hand

and not feel like i'm falling off

you wouldn't know this

but i am trying

trying to love you

the best way i know how

do you know now?

this is one of the its.

2011-07-05T02:57:00.000+08:00

i am tempted to change the colour of these words into something utterly undetectable, perhaps i'll do it on some. the words after this paragraph will not be pretty or even much understood unless you've had the unhappy experience of being one of the voices in my head. it is now 1.50am, a time which i was used to and recently got re-accustomed to. mind you, this is not good news. the clock's ticking all wrong again and it reminds me of how stupid the past was and how much i don't want to hear the steady tick-tock of the hand on the clock; so unforgiving, so unrelenting. it just never gives up, never stops.

and so i shall babble. babble because idk why but this last one or two months have taken a lot of my kind and loving self away and returning me with a selfish, bitchy idiot. its annoying me to no end; this 'me' that i am becoming. not only that, i've been attacked by the ugly googly-eyed monster that goes by the name of lethargy with a capital L. i'm just about as irritable as a girl with PMS going through a bad hair day with not one good pair of shoes to wear and most probably seriously contemplating throwing all her text books from the sixth story balcony she's standing on; not caring if it hits anyone on the head.

i can't sleep and i love sleeping but when the lights turn off and everything's quiet, my mind won't hold its silence. random things keep popping up; exams, food, grocery, the need to remind the maintenance people to fix the bathroom sink, next semester's subjects, how i don't want to ever have sex, birthdays, missing my mum, missing him, wishing more than anything else in the world that he's right here with me and then mentally knocking my head against the nearest mental wall because that ain't gonna happen. ugh! they won't stop. my eyes are tired, drooping and wanting to stay shut but the thoughts won't stop. you know, i've never really had any problem with insomnia till recently and its making everything worse.

okay. i feel much better after these two short paragraphs of rants. i always do which is why i feel it pointless to post this up but i have something to add, something that has been a constant in my head despite all the other thoughts running loose. its a question. its a statement. its a revelation. its a thought, a feeling. its an idea. its a puzzle that's waiting to be completed. its a journey i have to take.

and i forgot to mention, its a cliche.

love.

one word, four letters and it means a ton and more. there are so many facets to love that i have yet to discover. well, actually its more the relationship between a guy and a girl which includes love but i guess the keyword is really relationship which hey! is one word, lots of letters and definitely mean more than a ton and more. epic, isn't it? *rolls eyes*

i'm not gonna make much sense, seeing how i am still in the learning process and mark my words, these aren't easy lessons. they're tough and they're loud and they don't even blink if they make you cry. interestingly, i always fall short of words when it comes to this topic. it feels like there just isn't sufficient amount of letters and syllables to make up words and sentences that would describe and explain all that i have been through and all the thoughts i've had since this 'relationship' of mine started. i just can't.

and somehow you've gotten into your head on how you wanted love to be. you may not realise it even, that you've wanted a relationship that happens according to your ideal until it is happening and you find yourself wondering if this is how its gonna be. i'm not picky and i would say that i adapt quite well, i'm not demanding and i usually pretty much give in to whatever anyone else wants but this time, i'd admit its difficult; difficult for so many reasons and none that feels valid enough. but one thing i can be certain. that as much as there is happiness and joy in love, there will always be equal if not more amount of hurt and tears in it. this is the price to pay (for me, at least).

i bid you goodnight and farewell and may you never see another rant post from me again.

the leader-maknae post.

2011-07-01T02:12:00.000+08:00

a belated birthday wish to Ryeowook. ah, he's been getting better looking day by day. ^^

to the best leader in the world, to the one person who single-handedly watched over 14 crazy beautiful boys and led Super Junior into the fame and popularity it has right now, the one man who knows how to handle Heechul's temper, who had to communicate in a different language altogether for Hankyung, Henry and Zhoumi, who understands Yesung's need for the camera, who is the mother to Kangin's father, who made Shindong lose more weight than he wanted, who is the white to Sungmin's pink, who syncs in perfect unison with Eunhyuk, who looks afters the innocent Donghae, who lets Siwon stand in the middle because he knows how important the right image is, who gets babied by Ryeowook and can endure Kyuhyun's snark.

이특 오빠, you are the best!

사랑해!

그남자.

2011-06-25T22:37:00.000+08:00

hey hey. its been a while since i fangirl over here, hasn't it?

seeing i have some time before i go into intensive study mood, i have decided to unleash my inner crazy fangirl for just a little while over here. ^^

well, to cure my boredom over the past few weeks due to lack of Internet, i have been obsessively watching Running Man although currently, i have switched over to Secret Garden seeing its more interesting and actually has a plot. but i have also recently (as recent as two days ago) discovered City Hunter which has 진짜 멋진 Lee Min Ho. /blinks hearts at him/

how can you resist him? that bad boy look that he did so well as one of the F4 boys in Boys Over Flowers, he does it even better as the modern day Iljimae in City Hunter. and even though he managed to pull off that curly hair as Goo Jun Pyo, his hair is so much better here in City Hunter. at the end of episode 1, he even wears a pair of pink pants to prove that he's just as hot in pink or any other colour for that matter.

quite excited to see how the story goes. the chemistry between Min Ho's character and Park Min Young should be interesting. wanted to watch Miss Ripley too, seeing as Yoochun's in it but i read the plot and it didn't interest me as much. i might watch it later though, for Yoochun's sake. keke.

and moving on to one of the biggest Korean drama in 2011, Secret Garden. (: Hyun Bin is hot, there's no denying it and who doesn't adore him as a rich mean guy falling for the poor but intriguing 'neighbour'? its a good story, typical in some sense but that's why its the money maker. i love how they are getting more and more creative in their dialogues and confession scenes. who would have thought drinking a cup of cappuccino would lead to him licking your lips clean? or how heart-racing it really is to be doing sit-ups? all these romance onscreen is gonna kill all the girls out there because reality just isn't like this. /shrugs/

the famous 'foam kiss'

either way, its good entertainment and who's to say a girl can't dream? /grins/

beautiful. you.

2011-02-18T01:36:00.000+08:00

you yell at me as if i'm a kid, not that its far from truth. (:

you tell me to take care, you rightfully worry like a mother hen. (:

you care and i don't remember if i've ever been cared for before. (:

where were you all my life that you've only chose to wreak havoc now? (:

how could you make me smile when tears are running down my cheeks? (:

how could you make me cry in the first place? (:

like a fool, i said yes. not knowing, not understanding, not comprehending. (:

but to have said no will most likely be the stupidest thing i can do. (:

you, oh beautiful you. don't look now because i'm most probably grinning like an idiot in love. (:

you are like all the things i want and got and like them, you will cost me quite a price. one i'm willing to pay, of course. (:

because belated birthday posts are in.

2011-02-11T03:35:00.000+08:00

for me anyway. ^^

happy birthday, precious.

happy birthday, Hankyung or should i write Hangeng?

happy birthday, perfect.

high high!

2011-01-09T13:11:00.001+08:00

i can't believe i have not spazzed about GD & TOP's album. or the fact that Big Bang will be having their comeback soon. GD& TOP's album is every bit of amazing. their performances are fun to watch as always. and have i mentioned, their album IS EVERY BIT OF AMAZING? one thing i've always admired in Big Bang's albums is how each track on their album has the potential to be title songs, that each of them can stand on their own and still be loved by the audience/listeners. this proves how much they put into producing each and every song.

lets see, what other Kpop stuff have i been into? erm, currently watching Sungkyunkwan Scandal and Dream High. girl groups, Sistar and Miss A are not bad. not really a fan but they don't irritate me as much. waiting for Seungri's solo mini album. and will be going to Super Show 3 in Singapore end of this month!

this should be about it. (:

//edit: this is my first post of the year 2011 and also my 101st post! *pops confetti*

btw, happy birthday, Sungmin dear!

좋은 하루 되세요!

hey look, new label!

2010-12-22T22:27:00.000+08:00

the reason is simple.
because finally, i can say that i was wrong.

(:

love is possible.
and addictive, i might add.

p.s. my 100th post! ^^

real connection.

2010-09-29T23:45:00.000+08:00

What is my motto?

perhaps to have no regrets. because regrets are really the one thing that irks me. now, when i make decisions, no matter how ridiculous and how it'll be most probably come back and haunt me, i make it based on the fact that i won't regret making that particular decision even if the consequences suck. because i know it was worth it.

Either to the past or to the future, if you have a time machine, when will you want to go to?

i'd love to go back to the past and do better in my studies. i'll let the future remain a mystery although if i were to go to the future, the one thing i want to find out is if i'll ever find a boyfriend or get married. seriously. -.-

What is BIGBANG to V.I.P.?
(Something unique~!~!)

Big Bang to me was the beginning of kinda the second bestest thing that ever happened to me. first is God. ^^ Big Bang brought me to Kpop, to crazy, good-looking guys and good music and 70% of reasons why i laugh till i cry and is majority of the time, happy. (: whenever i feel down or bored or anything horrible, KPOP cheers me right back up. its practically a part of me.

special.

2010-07-07T20:11:00.000+08:00

Super Junior ♥ 슈퍼주니어

Leeteuk / 이특 (Park Jung Su / 박정수) July 1, 1983
Heechul / 희철 (Kim Hee Chul / 김희철) July 10, 1983
Hankyung / 韓庚 February 9, 1984
Yesung / 예성 (Kim Jong Woon / 김종운) August 24, 1984
Kangin / 강인 (Kim Young Woon / 김영운) January 17, 1985
Shindong / 신동 (Shing Dong Hee / 신동희) September 28, 1985
Sungmin / 성민 (Lee Sung Min / 이성민) January 1, 1986
Eunhyuk / 은혁 (Lee Hyuk Jae / 이혁재) April 4, 1986
Donghae / 동해 (Lee Dong Hae / 이동해) October 15, 1986
Siwon / 시원 (Choi Si Won / 최시원) February 10, 1987
Ryeowook / 려욱 (Kim Ryeo Wook / 김려욱) June 21, 1987
Kibum / 기범 (Kim Ki Bum / 김기범) August 21, 1987
Kyuhyun / 규현 (Cho Kyu Hyun / 조규현) February 3, 1988
+
Zhoumi / 周覓 April 19, 1986
Henry (Lau Xian Hua / 刘宪华) October 11, 1989

***

Big Bang ♥ 빅뱅

G-Dragon / 지 드래곤 (Kwon Ji Yong / 권지용) August 18, 1988
T.O.P (Choi Seung Hyun / 최승현) November 4, 1987
Taeyang / 태양 (Dong Young Bae / 동영배) May 18, 1988
Daesung / 대성 (Kang Dae Sung / 강대성) April 26, 1989
Seungri / 승리 (Lee Seung Hyun / 이승현) December 12, 1990

***

U-Kiss ♥ 유키스

Alexander / 알렉산더 (Alexander Lee Eusebio) July 29, 1988
Soo Hyun / 수현 (Shin Soo Hyun / 신수현) March 11, 1989
Kibum / 기범 (Kim Ki Bum / 김기범) December 29, 1990
Kiseop / 기섭 (Lee Ki Seop / 이기섭) January 17, 1991
Eli / 일라이 (Elison Kim Kyoung Jae / 김경재) March 13, 1991
Kevin / 케빈 (Woo Sung Hyun / 우성현) November 25, 1991
Dongho / 동호 (Shin Dong Ho / 신동호) June 29, 1994

***

Beast ♥ 비스트

Doo Joon / 두준 (Yoon Doo Joon / 윤두준) July 4, 1989
Hyun Seung / 현승 (Jang Hyun Seung / 장현승) September 3, 1989
Jun Hyung / 준형 (Yong Jun Hyung / 용준형) December 19, 1989
Yo Seob / 요섭 (Yang Yo Seob / 양요섭) January 5, 1990
Ki Kwang / 기광 (Lee Ki Kwang / 이기광) March 30, 1990
Dong Woon / 동운 (Son Dong Woon / 손동운) June 6, 1991

***

yes, if its not obvious enough, these are my main fandoms for now. hopefully none will be added to it in the near future. my heart will explode. o.0

however due to the nature of my blog, none of them can be copy-pasted. so here's the link to my xanga where its possible.
me me me!

너같은사람 또 없어.

2010-07-02T00:18:00.001+08:00

To our 영 원 리더,
always laugh like this.

There is no one like you.

나도 사랑해!
Happy Birthday, Teukie Oppa!

A Thousand Sunsets.

2010-06-24T04:16:00.000+08:00

Pairing: None really? (implied! EunHae, HanChul, KangTeuk, KyuMin)
Genre: slight! angst. its more to sad actually.
A/N: been wanting to write for the longest time. seeing it was Ryeowook's birthday, i thought i'd write something and this was written in a few hours time. i feel bad for making this sad. gosh, my heart breaks for everything they've been through and i just feel that things aren't gonna get better and that everyone's just hanging on by a thread but i need to believe because its all we can do. && please excuse my terrible memory if there's any wrong SuJu facts and for any past/present/future tense that went wrong. ><

***

Ryeowook stares at the floor, counting the boxes, counting the lines. He thinks he hears Leeteuk mumbles something about broken hearts and shining stars from where he’s lying on the couch across the room. They had reached home late, later than was originally scheduled because of the stop over at the rest house to celebrate his birthday. When they reached home, everyone gathered at the 11th floor for a round of cheers and celebration, the party being an excuse for them to drink to their hearts’ contents, to maybe for one night forget all the mess they’ve gone through and the future that is still uncertain at its worse and blurred at its best. Ryeowook had stopped drinking after Siwon started to sing praise songs in English. With everyone booing him for his bad pronunciation, he got the keys from Ryeowook and stalked off rather heftily to the 12th floor, turning on the jazz collection he keeps in Donghae’s room to the loudest.

As he looks up from the floor, he catches Kyuhyun’s eyes across the kitchen table. Because of his surgery, Kyuhyun had drank less than what he could have handled, thus not being a part of the drunken hyungs (except Eunhuk, he had just wanted to curl up next to Donghae) who had taken to falling asleep all over the living room. He had walked over to the table after draping a blanket over Sungmin and making sure he was comfortable on his side of the floor which was next to a big pink teddy bear a fan had given them in the early days before pulling out a chair and sitting down opposite Ryeowook.

It’d be nice if Kangin was here, wouldn’t it? He’d be bellowing out some sad love song even though this was a birthday celebration. Kyuhyun said, smiling to himself as he got reminded of his own birthday last year.

Well, he texted me. So. Ryeowook replied knowing that that simple text was already more than he could ask for. He had wanted to invite him over but when he mentioned the text to Eunhyuk and saw him casting a quick glance to Leeteuk who’s running away from a cake-smashing Donghae, he knew that even if it was the right thing to do, it wasn’t the wisest. All he did was reply Thank you. Miss you too, hyung and saved the text into his Saved Messages and into his heart.

Ryeowook turns to look at Heechul who has suddenly gotten up from the other side of Leeteuk’s couch, stumbling a little while trying to maneuver a way through the tangle of limbs that are Eunhyuk and Donghae in the middle of the floor. Ryeowook looks up at him as he puts both his hands on his shoulders, the smell of soju still clinging to his breath.

Wookie ah, do you know how to cook Hankyung’s Beijing fried rice? Heechul says slurring half of his words, his legs kept from buckling because he was holding on to Ryeowook’s shoulders. Ryeowook nodded, taking Heechul’s hands and guiding him to the nearest bed, which was Eunhyuk’s and lying him down on it.

Ahh, make for me one day, will you? Thank you so much, Wookie ah. How my breakfasts would be different without you. He used to cook for me but now, now that he’s gone. Is this Hyukkie’s bed? It smells like him. Heechul mumbles; unshed tears and days of missing someone that could never come back lacing his words as Ryeowook tucks him in.

Shhh, go to sleep, hyung. I promise I'll make you the fried rice. Ryeowook says while pulling up the blanket till it reaches his chin, remembering how he used to see Hankyung do this for Heechul when he comes home from one of his ‘meetings’ drunk and ranting about blood types and bad hairstyles and he would say shut up, Chul, you’ll wake the others up and stays next to him till he falls asleep. Heechul would shut up after the third time Hankyung says that to him.

As Ryeowook walks out of Eunhyuk’s room, a figure runs pass him and heads to the toilet, the toilet bowl to be exact. Ryeowook soaks a towel in warm water and wipes Shindong’s forehead, another hand patting his back as he continued to puke his dinner, lunch, breakfast and even Ryeowook’s birthday cake out. Shindong finally done, slumps next to the toilet bowl, his head on Ryeowook’s shoulders and sighs.

Ryeowook wanted to ask if he was okay before he heard a low rumbling from Shindong’s side and knew that he was already fast asleep. He called for Kyuhyun hoping he could come help him lift Shindong to somewhere more hygienic to sleep in and it took a few more times before Kyuhyun pokes his head in.

If you’re asking me to carry him, I’m not doing it. Kyuhyun shoots out before Ryeowook even had the chance to open his mouth.

Please, he’s not that heavy anymore. And we can’t just leave him here. The dorm ahjumma hasn’t cleaned this floor yet. Ryeowook pleads, attempting to lift Shindong to prove that with the two of them could easily move him somewhere else and stumbles a little as he puts one arm across his shoulder. Kyuhyun, after shooting glare at the snoring Shindong walks over and puts his other arm across his shoulders. After a few tries and Kyuhyun muttering doesn’t mean he’s not heavy under his breath, they managed to get him into the nearest room, Eunhyuk’s. Seeing that Heechul kicked off his blanket, Ryeowook draped it over Shindong who they had dropped onto the floor. After making sure that Shindong could not bump into Eunhyuk’s dresser and rearrange the positions of Eunhyuk’s mixes of bottles and containers on the dresser, Ryeowook and Kyuhyun left and went back to sit where they were from.

Kibum sent me a text too. And Hankyung emailed me last week. He must be too busy and got the dates mixed up. Ryeowook mentioned these to Kyuhyun as if saying them would make things better, would make it feel like they’re complete, like nothing happened.

Do you think we’ll be alright? Kyuhyun said, barely a whisper because he’s afraid of the answer but having an answer even if it’s a lie is better than not hoping at all.

Ryeowook looks at him, sees the bandage he still has on his ear and thinks maybe not but he doesn’t say that because even if he doesn’t believe in promises or himself, he believes in hope and says yes, I think we’ll be alright.

And he hopes that his birthday wish will come true.

end.

SJ=SJ

You are..

2010-06-21T07:10:00.000+08:00

our Eternal Maknae.
although Kyu's the youngest, you'll always be the Eternal Maknae in Elfs' hearts.

생일 축하해!
난 영원히 당신을 사랑!

*hearts*

당신을 기다리는.

2010-05-25T02:30:00.000+08:00

i think that even if i ever do get out of KPOP due to time constraint or studies or whatever else reason, i will still care very much for my two ultimate fandoms, Big Bang and Super Junior. perhaps its because of the free time i have now that i have nothing much to do than to devote day after day just to well, put it simply, Kpop. but what happens when i don't? i guess that's for time to tell.

i've seen a question on a forum, SJ-world to be precise which asked 'Why are we so into fandom?' what is there to gain from it? if an outsider look at us, they see a bunch of people spending time and money which in the outsider's mind could be spent more wisely than to flail and spazz over random guys and girls that we don't even know and may never get the chance to meet. i've had friends who dissed me because they think i'm boy-crazy and the one and only reason i like my Kpop guys is because they're cute. but if you're a fan especially for Kpop, you would understand that it goes further and deeper than that.

i'll tell you what i gain from my fandom.

HAPPINESS.

and i really don't think its a waste of time when we're happy. i remember one of those mails that you forward around that contains inspirational/uplifting messages, there was one that had a line in it that went something like "If it puts a smile on your face, then you should hold on to it."

i see people around me sometimes so busy with things, so caught up in their problems that when they have some time alone to themselves, they don't know what to do with it. loneliness is everywhere in everyone and when it gets too much, we need to find a way to get rid of it or at least a way to be comfortable with it.

Kpop is my way. and i dare say that since the day I found God and Kpop (they were around the same time, i think), i have never felt lonely nor alone. i would admit though, that Kpop has its flaws because (at least to me) it could not remain as just a hobby. it'll turn into some sort of obsession, an addiction and if we don't manage it well, we'll end up pretty horribly *think dark circles and being broke* but i find that most fans just integrate Kpop into their lives, they surround themselves with Kpop and still live peacefully with everything else in their lives.

eh, right.
this is some crazy-weird-in-the-middle-of-the-night rant. so its possible that i don't make sense. but i've been having these thoughts in my head and i really needed to get them out to make more space for others. i think they'll be more coming because i'm definitely not done with my fandom yet.

this is it for now. goodnight.

SJ = SJ

永遠.

2010-04-19T03:41:00.001+08:00

Happy Birthday, you long-legged beauty. (:

Siwon 오 빠!

2010-04-08T09:44:00.001+08:00

you'll always be in my prayers. Hwaiting!
Happy 24th Birthday!

To the dancer, the anchovy, the most beautiful.

2010-04-04T21:53:00.000+08:00

생일 축하해, 혁이오빠!
영원히,사랑해요! ♥

Drabble drabble drabble.

2010-04-01T09:29:00.000+08:00

Title: Caught In A Bad Romance
Pairing: Eunhyuk/Donghae
Genre: Drabble/ Fail!Humour
A/N: Where Eunhyuk confesses and Donghae’s denser than a fish.

Eunhyuk finally decides to tell Donghae what he really feels. He found the perfect moment when Donghae came walking into his room demanding for his precious beanie to be returned. Eunhyuk looks at Donghae’s head and sees it there but he decides that it can wait and pushes Donghae against the door, both hands on his face.

Donghae, look into my eyes. Do you see yourself in them? You are all I see.

Well, ye-ah, it’s called reflection. And if you turn your head, then you won’t be able to see me anymore.

Donghae grins as if he said the smartest thing on earth and possibly the galaxy while Eunhyuk's head fall onto the door, his heart crushed on the floor.

***

Title: Kiss Me
Pairing: Eunhyuk/Donghae (for me anyway, it could be any other pairing)
Genre: Drabble/ Fail!Humour
A/N: erm, don’t ask me how this came about. *hides*

Kiss me, kiss me senseless.
Kiss me till all I know is you and all I taste is the dinner you just had.

Ryeowook’s Beijing friend rice? Mmm, but with Hankyung secret sauce, right?

***

Title: Tell Me Your Wish
Pairing: Eunhyuk/Donghae
Genre: Drabble/ Fail!Humour, PG (for implied smut?)
A/N: During one of Donghae’s weekly personality change

Eunhyuk’s cleaning his wardrobe when he realizes one side of his glove is still with Donghae. He heads over to his room and finds Donghae sitting cross-legged, closed eyes on the bed with a crown on his head. Around his waist was a belly dancer scarf, the kind that jingles when you move and that was the only cloth on his body. Eunhyuk takes the scene in and guessed that it was one of Donghae’s weekly personality escapades. Before Eunhyuk could ask for his glove back, Donghae opens his mouth and sings “I’m a genie in the bottle, baby. If you have a wish, you gotta rub me the right way, honey.”

And Eunhyuk does as the genie desires; he really needs his wardrobe spick and span before sundown.

end.

A/N 2: err, yea. Smut to follow but I don’t think I could write smut. DD: && yes yes, I know, I changed the lyrics a little so that the drabble would make sense.

Draw Me Love.

2010-03-17T23:41:00.000+08:00

Pairing: Sungmin/Kyuhyun

Genre: One-shot

A/N: Holidays are good writing season. Well, it was. Finally decided to finish it in commemoration of Super Show II happening this weekend. *FLAILS*

* * *

Draw me love. Tell me what colour it is.
Draw me love. Maybe I will recognise it.

He's always thought that love was black and white. The picture of his parents' wedding that he sees every morning on his way out could never show the pink flush of his father's cheeks as his mother suddenly turned around and kissed him with her red lips as the camera clicked. However, their love was evident; the way they held hands and the happiness in his mother's eyes as she looked at her husband shines through the black and white wedding picture.

When he met his first girlfriend, she had black and white rules that they had to follow when they were together. Rules such as first date is on him while the following dates, they'll split half. If she gets angry for reasons he does not even understand although most of the time it was PMS, he must apologise and do everything in his power to make her feel better (aka buying her jewelry and other girl stuff). He must call her very night and every morning to tell her where he's been and what he is going to do. Every month, he must spend at least one day with her and her girlfriends.

Finally on their 158th day together, she broke up with him claiming that the horoscope book foresee his disloyalty if they keep seeing each other. He argued saying that horoscopes cannot be depended on as the positions of the moon and the stars and whatever else are never certain and everything written in the book are hypothetical. She said goodbye, it was fun while we lasted and walked away. He figured, maybe love wasn't just black and white, it was slightly gray too.

He first met Sungmin coming out of the dorm's bathroom with a toothbrush between his teeth and a pink towel with bunnies and eggs motif wrapped around his hips. When Sungmin saw him, he merely took the toothbrush out of his mouth, extended his hand to Kyuhyun and with a smile, said you must be the new guy. Welcome to Super Junior. Kyuhyun was dumbstruck for the first time in many years and could only shake the offered hand. He continued staring at Sungmin as he walked away and wondered why his stomach is feeling a little funny as if butterflies are making their home there.

The day he found out he was rooming with Sungmin, his heart did a little leap of joy and he tried to reason that it was because Sungmin’s obsession with pink is much easier to handle than Leeteuk’s shiny white room, Eunhyuk’s need to put everything in place or Shindong’s nightly visits to the kitchen. He also didn’t mind the fact that he gets to be around Sungmin and the warmth he seems to radiate.

As time pass by, he also realizes another thing; that maybe after all, love could be pink. All shades of pink, from the pink of Sungmin’s cheeks whenever he praises Sungmin’s singing to the pink of Sungmin’s lips when he bites it subconsciously whenever he is concentrating hard on something. Pink because its all he sees when he wakes up, when he goes to bed and when he dreams and although it should have annoyed him by now, the colour only reminds him of Sungmin’s hands holding his when he was in the hospital, he was holding his hands so tight that his fingertips were turning from pink to red and his nose that was pink from all the crying in fear and gratitude that Kyuhyun was safe at last.

When he woke up from his coma, the first thing he saw was Sungmin’s pink jacket and he had never felt safer than that moment where he knew Sungmin will always be there for him and he never felt more alive than that moment where he finally told Sungmin he loves him and Sungmin who was staring at the pink fluffy bear in his hands threw it to the side, wrapped his hands around Kyuhyun and said, well, its about time. As he stared at the pink bear on the floor and tightened his hands around Sungmin, he decided love must be pink.

end.

the miracle.

2010-02-09T23:05:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HANKYUNG!

SUJU 15 Forever.

The Maknae of All Maknaes.

2010-02-03T09:37:00.000+08:00

to the ever sarcastic and absolutely beautiful in all sense of that word Cho Kyuhyun, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

영원히, I heart you!

대박이야!

2010-01-06T16:37:00.000+08:00

aish, why does Daesung give such difficult questions? i'm gonna make it easier for me. >< you're the BIG ones in my life
cus you appeared like a BANG

oh gosh, excuse my fail.

this is gonna be worse. i give up.
대성오빠, 사랑해!

TOP asks.

2010-01-06T15:56:00.000+08:00

why wouldn't i like you? in fact, you're the first one that caught my eye when i watched Taeyang's Look Only At Me MV which of course started the whole OMG-I-love-BIGBANG-VIP-forever kinda thing.

BOTH. i'm a greedy fan. :D

Love like this.

2009-11-17T14:02:00.000+08:00

Unfailing. Can i trust Him?
Me. Can i trust myself?
Is this just another turning, another obstacle?
There will be more but will i survive this time?

Regrets, never ending. Tears, ever flowing.
i just want to run away.

yes, i trust in Him.
pray for me.

hot hot.

2009-09-11T14:11:00.000+08:00

i LURVE puppies. BUT my mum has this crazy phobia of all things with fur. seriously. i have two hamsters at home and the only reason she allows me to have them is because they're stuck in cages. sometimes i put em in a ball thingy where they can run around in and she freaks even if they accidentally ran near her. they're in a plastic ball, they can't even touch her and she screams, really, i'm not making this up like a dog just pounced on her. sooo, getting a puppy can only happen when i have a place of my own.

hmm. i like it when its cloudy. not super sunny but not raining either.
its a good weather to do anything in. (;

mostly we catch up on things, that means lots of talking and laughing and watching movies or walking around, windowshopping.
yea, that's mainly it.

nobody, nobody but you.

2009-09-11T12:43:00.001+08:00

GIF animations generator gifup.com

farewell? really?

2009-09-08T19:32:00.000+08:00

Jaebum's leaving 2pm. O.o
2pm is simply not 2pm without him.
i'm sad. ):

bye, sexy.
hopefully its not permanent. *fingers crossed*

He asks, I answer. (:

2009-09-07T15:59:00.000+08:00

i was obviously not okay. i got sucked into SUJU! how on flippin' earth is that okay?!

well, its summer here all year long. there were holidays but exams are killing me.

ahaha. i remember "you're my heart-heart-heart breaker."
:DD

The List.

2009-09-04T01:57:00.000+08:00

out of curiosity and boredom, i came up with the list.
after much contemplation, i've decided to post it in my xanga.
so.. if you're interested to know what my list is about,
you can click me. (:

a word of warning, its one post a day and there's 20.
&& its obviously related to Kpop.

till the next time.

Breathe.

2009-09-02T17:02:00.000+08:00

A/N: my first ever SUJU fic & its Kyumin! *pops champagne*

***

You knew from the first day you met him that the both of you would end up like this, only you were too afraid to make the move. When you were placed in the same room as him, so close but oh so far away, you ached in places you never knew existed, although some were familiar and particularly one that kept you hidden under the covers even when the night is sickeningly warm or under a cold shower when its -10°C outside.

It was blur. It was hazy. But it was so clear in your head. The image of Kyuhyun sprawled in front of you, eyes dark with desire, lips trembling from too much kissing and hands pulling you down for more used to be only something you saw in your dreams.

Kyuhyun was not invited to join in but he sat himself opposite you and poured himself a glass of wine anyway. The wine was already half gone by then; your pathetic attempt to drown your sorrows of unrequited love with the person who is now ironically sitting opposite you. You stare warily at the figure sitting in front of you and wondered what you ever did to deserve such torture of watching the love of your life sipping wine with that beautiful mouth of his.

It was hot. It was sweaty. But it was good, so good. You pushed him onto the bed but only after stripping him down to nothing but skin; smooth, pale and absolutely delectable. You followed him down, hands roaming, eager to touch, eager to feel, to make sure none of this is a dream because somehow this feels too good to be true.

Maybe it was the wine, maybe you just couldn’t take it anymore. A clear answer is better than getting drunk on tears and wine and hurting because he’s right there and you can’t touch him. So you crawled yourself to his side and he looked at you questioningly. You told him you’re not drunk before you pulled him in for a long awaited kiss and nothing mattered anymore. All you knew for the next few seconds or was it minutes was how his lips tasted so much better than all the wine you’ve been drinking, how they were so much softer than you imagined and how Kyuhyun although taken aback at first quickly warmed up and opened his mouth.

It was rough. It was fast. And when bright lights filled your vision, you wanted time to just stop because this moment was everything you ever wanted and never thought you needed. When reality slipped back in, you fear what was to happen. You hold your breath, unwilling to accept the possibility of going back to square one because this time your heart would not be able to take it anymore.

He pulled you into his arms, whispered something that went like let’s do it some more. You turned around, opened your eyes and saw the glow in his eyes. His lips pulled up in a smirk and you knew this is how you will always end up; breathless.

Hey, Sungmin, breathe.

I..

2009-08-30T20:33:00.000+08:00

can't breathe.

mere words cannot describe how i feel right now.

권지용, feel free to break my heart.

my heartbreaker.

2009-08-20T13:47:00.000+08:00

GD's awesome.
nuff said.

will say more when my brain's not consumed with maths and chem and all the horror of exams.

take care. (:

can't escape.

2009-08-10T18:12:00.000+08:00

조규현, 사랑해요!

truer words have never been said.

2009-08-08T23:38:00.000+08:00

and actually these words or i might say, conclusion was made quite a while ago. its definitely a conclusion that's been proven through time.

and what may the conclusion be?

*drum roll*
.
.
.

Fangirls could never really have boyfriends.
lol.

its unfortunately true, to me and jill anyway. i don't know how anyone could match up to GD or Top or any guys we go crazy over. and even if we do find someone we really like and stuff, that guy has to be very patient with us while we go on our KPOR frenzy. unless the fella is a KPOP fan but if he's into SNSD and Kara, i don't think our relationship will work. but then if i go gaga over GD or Kyuhyun, i'm sure he wouldn't be able to stand me for a very long time either.

okay, say if he can and does, i still don't think it'll work out. because i'll be spending so much time on my laptop watching videos and reading news bout them and then flailing and spazzing over them that i'll just ignore him completely. so what's the use of having a bf anyway right?

so ya, in conclusion, our conclusion is correct (for me anyway). ((:

and just for the fun of it, i'll list down my KPOP boyfriends for you. *rubshandswithglee*

of course, i'll start off with my NUMBER 1 and the rest follows in not much of an order.

Kwon Ji Yong

Taeyang

ahh, i would have done individuals but that is just too troublesome to be done on blogspot. i think i'm gonna copy this post to xanga but post more pics there. LOL.

Sungmin. Donghae. Ryeowook.
Kyuhyun. Leeteuk.

Donghae. Eunhyuk. Sungmin. Kyuhyun.

Kim Bum

Park Yong Ha

Lee Min Ho

Wooyoung

that's a lot right? i'm definitely not getting a bf anytime soon.

♥

2009-08-08T12:47:00.000+08:00

this love,
i'm never falling in love again.

Fallen through the cracks.

2009-08-07T23:31:00.000+08:00

they.
make me smile. even a glimpse of them makes me smile.
they.
make my day. even a wave and a hi from them makes my day.
they.
make me happy. and i thank God for putting them into my life.

its a happy place in my head. (:

Maybe three seconds is enough for my heart to quit it

what time is it?

2009-08-01T11:40:00.000+08:00

its 2PM!

its been awhile since i fangirl-ed and i really don't wanna lose my touch now, would i?

i've been pretty sad and alone lately.
what with Big Bang in Japan and Suju having their tour, there's really been noone and nothing to spazz about.

so my sis found new targets.
FT Island and 2PM.
but since i'm not that into FT, this is gonna be about 7 extraordinarily sexy guys with really hot bods. :DD

lets start from the guy in the middle who's winking at you.
He's Nickhun and then clockwise from him are Wooyoung, Taechyeon, Jaebeom, Junsu, Chansung and Junho.

so far they've only had, i think about 3 mini albums out. but they do have their addictive songs although i must say their vocals aren't that great. but its okay cus their hot bods can cover for that. lol.

here are a few examples. (:

do i think i'll fall into crazy fandom like the last time i did with SuJu?
i don't think so. and i really hope this is a promise i can keep.

till the next time.
annyong. have a good day!

its no surprise if you don't see me tomorrow.

2009-07-29T17:59:00.000+08:00

sometimes things happen that puts you into perspective. sometimes things happen to help you see people for who they really are. sometimes things happen that you never want to happen, like death.

what i fear most about death is how permanent it is. how it cannot rewind or come back. how it cannot be undone. it hurts to know that its the end.

it doesn't matter how someone died, how long he suffered before he died but the fact that he's dead and gone forever.

i think it shows lack of maturity when someone says "cheh, he didn't die that badly. my friend was worse." i understand the pain you must have gone through when it happened to your friend. but to undermine someone else's death just because he didn't suffer as long before he passed away is wrong and immature.

i'm just ranting. it bugged me when he put it the way he did. maybe he meant better.

its that time again.

2009-07-20T20:57:00.000+08:00

i'm depressed and i'm worried. this is to be a rant post. so if you stumble upon this, don't worry much, i just need to get this off my mind. caution: its gonna be long.

lets start off with why i'm depressed. its a simple reason really. my reign is finally and undeniably over, no matter how much i'm still in denial. you have no idea how unwilling i am to let go of my posts. its hard when i worked really hard for all the societies i'm in ~~maybe except voyager cus i still haven't finished my assignments yet~~ ssshh. gosh, what's with all my repetitive words? anyway, moving on. i have, no, wait, i HAD 8 posts. that's a lot and yet i managed and i'm so proud of that. now don't go all "yea, you screwed your studies because of them" on me cus they had nothing to with my posts and the screwing studies part is an ENTIRELY different story.

and maybe, maybe because i managed well, i feel so reluctant to pass it on to someone who might not be able to do as well. okay, okay, being a bit perasan case here but still.. i'm allowed to. this is MY blog and MY rant post. ha!

but in every story, there's an ending and this time, its my time to end. sigh.

now, why am i worried? i'm actually most worried for Boy's Brigade, more specifically the Primer section. i love BB, i really do, i have no idea why and my one prayer for them is that they will grow so much bigger and better and reach more young people and let them know about God. BB is an amazing way to reach those who are still lost, at least that's the way i see it. it is so much more than a uniformed unit, so much more than polishing belts and shoes, so much more than camps, badges, ranks and fun. its also about fellowship, about making friends that will last and learning and experiencing things you normally won't anywhere else. the most important element of course and also the reason why i believe BB is so much more than a uniformed unit is the fact that Christianity is in the midst of everything that stands for BB.

ever since i took up the responsibilty of being Primer section's president, eventhough it was God-sent because its the best thing that could happen to me, in the beginning, i was terrified. i had no idea what to do adding to the fact that it was the first time in my 16 years of life to put it simply, lead. it was something that never came to my mind and yet there i was, the president of Boys' Brigade Primer Section. i could only thank God for putting Edwin, Mr Liew, Chee Koon, Kah Loon and my fellow excos in my life cus they have done nothing but helped and guided me through my time as the president.

i learned so much, grew so much, did so much. gosh, im gonna cry. lol. so because of this, i find myself being very protective of the Primer Section. from 3 members, it grew to 9 and now its about 20 plus of em in it but quantity doesn't mean quality and more than anything, i want to see the Primers being able to fit into their true role and that is a member of BB of highest rank, that can be looked up to and teach the members instead of being taught. and now i'm worried and afraid that the members don't understand how much of a role they play in BB and i can definitely see that some of them don't really give a damn about it. that breaks my heart but the even more horrid thing is i can't do nothing anymore when i have so much in mind on how to improve them. but its all up to the next president and his vision might different from mine. lets just pray for the best. that's the only thing i could do now.

i'm so proud of the Primers, of all we did which might not be much but still we had our activities, we helped out in any way we could with the BB activities. the few things Edwin wanted us to do when we first began, we were able to accomplish. we designed the shirt, had outings, helped out during Annual Camp and other events. i hope my fellow Primers had wonderful memories from their time in the Primer Section cus i know i did. (:

aish, i just got more depressed. sigh.

There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn't the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.
-- Author Unknown

*mumbles to self, let go, its time to let go*

feels like insomnia // pretty boy

2009-07-19T21:52:00.000+08:00

okay. flail post first. wookie makes me soo happy! *grinslikeanidiot*

end of flail post.
moving on to something i wrote cus i was inspired by 2NE1's Pretty Boy.

***

Hey, pretty boy, get out of my way
I ain't got no time for you to steal my heart
Your stylish clothes and big puppy eyes
Though they drive me crazy, a girl can only take so much

Hey, pretty boy, why are you still standing here?
Your sweet words like music to my ears
Are rotting my teeth and confusing my heart
Your caring actions and addictive smiles
Makes me wanna light up your day when you're down

Hey, pretty boy, would you be mine?
Seems like all your charms have captured my heart
Seems like you've stolen it without my knowing
Seems like I'll be the loser in this game of love
And I don't mind a single bit

a glimmer is all i need.

2009-07-08T20:21:00.000+08:00

credit: ~DiomedesZX

annyong.

2009-06-29T18:10:00.000+08:00

exams currently precedes my fandom.

so farewell Suju and Big Bang and the Kpop world. i'll miss you.

loves. hugs. kisses.

XD

2009-06-27T16:42:00.000+08:00

did you brush your teeth?

...

this is to be as it is.

2009-06-23T21:15:00.000+08:00

he jumped after her. he loved her, didn't he?
it was love at first sight; and what a sight it was.
how on freezing land would he know she was not who he wanted her to be?

he fell while watching her fly higher and further,
like angel with white wings.
beautiful, so beautiful he didn't hear his heart stop
as he hit the ground.
a cloud of cold mist settled, she was content; he heartbroken.

loool. inspired by Ice Age 3.

this new love of mine ; it's you.

2009-06-15T23:08:00.000+08:00

i really never saw this coming. never in a million years and yet it is happening.

i have fallen in love with ~~Super Junior~~ and yes, i am still in denial. i used to think gosh, how do you remember who's who. there are 13 ppl in there but unfortunately i am one of those eek, ELFs who adores and remembers all of em.

sigh.

but they do make me so happy. ((:

note: this is not betrayal. BIG BANG will always and forever be my number 1.

sorry, sorry, sorry, it is I who fell for you.

save me!

2009-06-10T03:53:00.000+08:00

i refuse to be an ELF.
:X

couldn't resist.

2009-05-31T02:20:00.000+08:00

a screen shot from My Heaven of GD's sexy legs. ;DD

a reminder.

2009-05-31T02:12:00.000+08:00

let Him love me.

S P A Z Z part 2

2009-05-25T20:59:00.000+08:00

i couldn't handle all the uploading and shifting the pics thing, if you use blogspot, i'm sure you understand. so i thought might as well type out a separate post since its for another star.

introducing Taegoon.

do you want details? i'll just copy paste from Wiki then. :D
Taegoon (born Kim Tae Goon; 김태군; born 17 January 1986) is a Korean pop singer and dancer. for more details, here's the link. sorry, too lazy to paste and edit all of it cus that'll be too much. heh.

okay, so i'm a horrible capture stills kinda person. but this was what made me take a second look at him.

his smile.
gosh, its soo my weakness.

i'm sorry it couldn't be any clearer but if you're interested, here's the link to the yt vid.
he was dancing on the MBC Stars Dance Battle.
he's quite a good dancer. he reminds me of a cross between Jay Chou and Rain. :DD i think he has Jay's soft ballad feel kinda thing and Rain's sexy dance moves.

i've got his first mini album in my iPod but i haven't heard his latest single yet, Superstar. will be checking it out later. heard its not as good as his first one but hey, each to her own right. although, again, i don't see myself going crazy gaga over him. to me, he just has good moves and a really heart-melting smile . (:

oh, before i end, i'd better let you see a clear view of him. he comes across to me as a shy person but i guess we'll just have to wait a while before he gets warmed up to the K-Pop world.

p.s i just found out Crown J was the producer of his first mini album. *flails* cus i'm a Crown J fan. lol. i think i'm gonna go take another listen at it.

till the next spazz. goodnight and take care. ;)

S P A Z Z part 1

2009-05-25T20:03:00.000+08:00

to counter my previous post, i'm gonna put on my fangirl hat and give you a little insight on what's been going on in my fangirl world.

first off, my darling sister's currently hooked onto Super Junior. she has around 5 "favorites" over there but claims that she's faithful to BIG BANG. i hope she'll stay true, not that i have anything against them because i do find them a very talented group. its hard to be a 13 member group, fighting to be recognized, to stand out among the rest cus its sure easy to lose track of who's who in there. well, i'm not a Suju fan, maybe that's why i can't point out who's who. (my sister can though. what does that say about her loyalty?) lol. if you're a fan, chill. i'm not dissing them or anything. althought i don't have 5 "favorites" in there, i do have one or two that i like.

for example,

Dong Hae
he looked really fine with all the dancing and stuff in their latest single, It's You.

i'm not really a Ki Bum kinda girl but he's one of my sis' fav.
well, he looks okay here. just putting it in cus its my sis' fav and my fav side by side.

someone's gonna hang me for saying this but Heechul looked really cute with his haircut in Its You compared to the creepy long hair he used to have. my sister couldn't recognise him the first time. lol.

despite these few cute guys, i most probably won't turn into a hardcore fan anytime soon.

an ended love story.

2009-05-25T19:56:00.000+08:00

In the beginning,

You were a friend when my friends got to busy to be one.
You were the one I rant to when I got tired of my unresponsive walls.
I shared with you all my burdens and dissatisfaction.
I used you as my support, as my wall but you drained me of my strength and energy with all the late night calls and laughing and running away.
You were my distraction from the mess of a life I made for myself yet you were not the solution.
You told me you loved me and I said the same although I ~~didn’t~~ couldn’t mean it.

Somewhere in between,

You got tired of my ifs and maybe’s.
You got frustrated with my hot and cold attitude.
You got angry at my indecisiveness, at my lies, at me.
So silence came and stood between us.
Yet I did not die without you by my side.
And when you did come back, it was like meeting an old friend except I made the mistake of having you think you were more than that.

This should be the end,

See, I thought you were The One.
But after much thought, after much contemplation, after much late nights,
I’m sorry to say you are not the one for me.
I want more than a comfortable friendship.
I want more than the nothing I feel for you except perhaps the guilt for the pain I’ve caused you.
I’m sorry I want more.

~~Do I at least owe you a try or do I break your heart now?~~
Thank you. i couldn't ask for a better friend.

♥

2009-05-24T04:56:00.001+08:00

i don't think i've seen a guy who looks so damn sexy with eyeliner and be so in love with him.

(:

2009-05-17T05:55:00.000+08:00

thank you for coming back.
you were the answer to my prayer.

i just hope i won't hurt you again. or ever.

the day that never was.

2009-05-10T03:43:00.000+08:00

no longer in between.
just somewhere down there.
:/

.edit.

it was all there ever was.
a goodbye.
i miss you; amazingly, i do.
i miss us.

i wish you could have been the one.
i wish you were the one to save me.
i wish you still want to.
i wish i didn't need you.

i've wished too many,
too many i do not deserve.
i could have loved you.
but goodbye is all there ever was.

this hope is lost.

Sharing Company.

2009-05-06T22:12:00.000+08:00

A/N: wrote this for my sister's 16th birthday. she'a TOP fan and this was her prompt taken from my pjs. == hopefully she'll like it although its kinda short. but really my muse hasn't been helping and i stared at the screen for a really long time before completing this. eek. here goes.

Aish, I hate rainy days.

An echo.

Two eyes met and locked. It was a boy and a girl hating rainy days, sharing the same shelter under the yellow roof of a bus stop. His name was Seung Hyun, her’s Heather; they found out as they laughed about the weather.

“Why do you hate rainy days?” she asked.

“It messes my hair up,” he answered. You?

“Same” and they shared a smile, an amused understanding between each other.

As the rain got heavier, small splatters of rain blew in by the wind dotted their clothes. So they sat a little closer, sharing the same seat in the middle of the empty bus stop. The bus was taking forever and that was how long they sat there together.

He shivered a little; she draped her scarf around the both of them. He thanked her; she said its okay. Because sometimes all it takes to make a rainy day better is to share it with someone who’s a willing company, preferably with a scarf and an intense need to make sure their hair are always nice and dry.

And although forever was a long time, they still parted ways. But on days especially dark with skies about to burst open and pour with rain water, they each remember the company they shared under a warm wooly scarf and a yellow rooftop while the wind blew through their dry hair. And they know really, rainy days are not that bad after all; with the right company.

a girl gotta have her moments.

2009-05-05T23:09:00.000+08:00

and this is my boy-crazy moment.

currently obssesed with Crown J.
cus he's the flyboy, ppl! :D

erm. note: greys are links to youtube vids, just to give ya'll a lil something to recognise them by.

i won't be elaborating much cause i think it'll all just be surrounded with words like hot and sexy and awesome and ya, you get my drift.

up next is Park Yong Ha. he acted in a Korean drama series aired recently on 8tv called On Air.

he's a singer too and i really like his voice. :D

last but not least is Lee Min Ho who was mentioned in the pink post. found a few pics of him modeling for Levis Strauss and he sure knows how to wear them jeans.

so ya, this shall be the end of my moment.
oh wait one more. cus i just watched X-Men:Origins, Wolverine today.

Daniel Henney as Agent Zero in X-Men.

this it. goodnight.

what modesty?

2009-05-01T19:58:00.000+08:00

okay. so i'm a total noob at photoshop. but i was playing around and wow, i never knew you can do so many things there. oh, wait i did know that, just never got the time and patience and energy to learn more. its on my 'to-do' list though. i will get better.

so here goes. erm. obviously it'll all be on GD. *GRINS*

someone buy me a copy of Photoshop for Dummies please!

hah. its so gonna be on my birthday wish list. ;D

*note: credit if you take. it'll be an honour though if anyone decides to use em.

go PINK!

2009-04-30T20:34:00.000+08:00

so i was suppose to do this. was pretty excited but yea, that fire burned down pretty quickly due to lack of time. so i'm just gonna post whatever i've got so far.

it all started from this.

Anoop on American Idol
Real men wear pink. - Paula Abdul
then i decided, why not more?

Lee Jun Ki
you can watch him in Iljimae, a Korean drama series currently playing on 8tv during weekdays, 8.30pm.

Hyun Bin
he has acted in several Korean drama series that have been aired here before such as Snow Queen and My Name is Kim Sam-Soon. He also starred in a movie named A Millionaire's First Love which has been shown on 8tv a few times already.

how could i not include the hot rich boys from Boys Over Flowers?

introducing Lee Min Ho, the one who played the leader of F4 in BOF, the usual gosh, you hate him but you can't help but fall helplessly in love with too kinda guy. his character in BOF is I believe, the man of all girls' dreams.

then there's Kim Hyun Joong, one of the members of F4. also a member of SS501, a popular boyband in Korea. he plays the good guy in BOF, the one who falls in love with his best friend's girlfriend, the one you feel sorry for. he's a real quirky guy in reality, kinda adorable.

Kim Joon. another member of F4. he might not have had quite a big role in BOF since it was his first time acting but he was still pretty cool. he's also a member of a boyband called T-Max.

sorry, no Kim Bum. i know he's amazingly cute but i couldn't find any pink pics. x/

Se7en.
this is most probably not a very flattering picture of him cus he has grown into a very hot sexy man, not that he's not in this pic. currently debuting in America with his single, 'Girls'.

Rain.
if you don't know Rain, i have no idea which world you live in.

BIG BANG.
saved the best for last. i would have done an individual for all of em but that is just too much work with the headache pounding in my head now. plus they have too many awesome pics and i would not have known which one to put. so to keep it simple, i'm gonna let one picture say it all.

okay. this it. sorry if all these were more focused on the Korean side, buttt i am biased like that.

hope you enjoyed ogling. ;D

rant. f i n a l l y.

2009-04-23T21:41:00.000+08:00

you see, i don't rant often. maybe because i forget too easily. there's always this nagging fear that as i type, i'll forget everything i want to say and my post will end up useless in the end. i also have the tendency to go back and read what i write so as to get the flow of my writing which however increases the time and risk for/of me to forget. uh, such irony. this is exactly what i'm feeling now and so please forgive any spelling or grammatical errors on my part as i try to type faster than i can forget. i should begin then.

rant #1
i really hate it when my mum opens my door even though i closed it really tightly. to understand what i mean, let me explain the mechanism of my door. if i push harder than normal, it'll slowly swing and close. but if i push it really hard, okay maybe not really hard but at least with a certain force, it'll close with a small bang which then makes it harder to open unlike the push-harder-than-normal one where with one finger, you could actually push open my door. normally, i only close the door with a certain force kind of way when i want privacy, especially during that one week of the month. i always open my door right after i'm done. so i absolutely do not get why my mum has a problem with a closed door! its even worse when its that time of the month; hormonal imbalance makes me easily annoyed to the extent of needing to punch a wall to appease myself. come to think of it, i only do that during that one week. doesn't she get that when the door is closed with a bang, it means i don't want it opened? uh.

rant #2
the way my mum constantly nags me to get off the computer. she has this perception that i waste my time online whereas i enjoy the most when i'm online, ogling BIG BANG, reading p*rn (lol, i don't okay, just that fanfics have the tendency to contain smut scenes), making sure the promise of friends forever remain intact through technology such as MSN and Facebook and other random things like finding information for school, reading books, blogs, newspaper and others that i'm sure you would know if you're like me. its not a waste of time, since i am more productive here compared to when i'm off despite having my butt glued to the chair for 5 hours straight and my eye power rocketing each time i stare at the screen.

rant #3
i don't care if i sound cocky. those guys in school that have been eyeing me are starting to get really irritating. i am normally, mostly a very nice person even to the extent it gets me into trouble or in this case, into many guys' ideas. i'm okay if they don't stalk me or are always hanging around but once they start to cross the line, they really can get on my nerves. no touching or even close body contact is allowed. i'll smile and act nice but if you touch me, well, i'll let you know and you better not do it again. unfortunately, they are most probably blinded by my smiles or deafened by my previous kind but sincere words to hear me clearly. sometimes, i think i'm too nice, its a freaking crime. ==

rant #4
this is not entirely a rant, more like a statement.

i'm screwed in every way possible. yea. okay. i don't think i want to elaborate but to put it shortly and mildly, i am failing in everything i do except unfortunately, dying.

this is it. i most probably won't rant until other rants accumulate and i let it all out in another post some very long time from now.

ciao.

2009-04-22T22:16:00.001+08:00

somewhere between.

watch over me.

heh.

2009-04-14T19:46:00.000+08:00

write. i want to write.
cry. i want to cry.
but. these tears are dry.
feel. i want to feel.
but. there's too much, i am numbed.
sad. am i?
everything bad, that should be it.

sometimes, i should never drink coffee.
sometimes, i should never let myself live.

there must be something wrong with me.
there should be something wrong with me.

so tired of feeling happy and sad at the same time.
so tired of being alive.
so tired of yelling at myself to get a grip.
so tired of failing.
so tired of having to write
because its the only way i could live this lie.

//

do ignore this^.
& if you ask why do i post this anyway, its cause i need someone to understand. but if you don't, then don't try.

it'll pass when the caffeine's off my system. whatever it may be.

Boredom has its perks.

2009-04-14T00:03:00.000+08:00

Ji Yong plops himself on the sofa next to Seungri and watches him in amusement as he flips from channel to channel. When Seungri realizes that there's nothing interesting on the tv, he turns to Ji Yong and asks, "What are you doing here? I thought Young Bae hyung asked you out just now."

Ji Yong shrugs, not answering his question and instead replies, "I'm bored. Got anything to do?"

Seungri smiles and without missing a beat, says almost nonchalantly, "Do me."

"Wh-what?" stutters Ji Yong a few seconds later, staring at the young boy sitting in front of him with his hands clasped on his laps and a twinkling in his eyes who's asking him to what? Do him? Is he dreaming again?

He’s just about to slap himself awake when Seungri beats him to it by no, not slapping him, but by leaning in and giving him a quick peck on the lips. Oh, yeah. He’s pretty sure he’s awake, especially when he licks his lips and tasted yang geng.

“You have been stealing hyung’s yang geng, haven’t you?” Ji Yong says in an accusatory tone, still licking his lips.

“I know you like it, hyung. So.. are you still bored?” questions Seungri.

“Yea, a bit. But I know what I can do now,” replies Ji Yong with a smirk on his face.

“What?” asks an anxious Seungri.

Ji Yong pulls himself forward until his lips are merely one inch away from Seungri’s. He breathes the sentence, “Do you, of course,” before claiming Seungri’s sweet tasting lips with his own and finding himself a new hobby.

untitled.

2009-04-13T22:05:00.000+08:00

The morning’s been coming earlier
The night’s been playing harder
Its been getting colder
Everyone’s getting older

The morning star twinkles at me
Saying things I didn’t want to hear
These songs are burning harder
I find no escape from this betrayal

I will myself to run, run from this waste
My hands are stuck in the mud; hardened, deadened
Such solace I’ve found in loneliness
Such pity I hear from the voices in my head

Minus one, a black hole, what more is there to bear?
Excuses misused, dead on the floor
It’s too late to say goodbye, too early to say goodnight
Too long to live a lie

Fallen.

2009-04-10T12:41:00.001+08:00

A/N: this is to be a gdyb fic. starts off from GD's POV, in case you're confused and then it alternates. (:

A cut, red ink, stained pink, will this ever end? I saw a faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes and I know I will never do it again, not this way.

I’m sorry this scar lasted till the morning.

Why do you do this to yourself?

You, of all people should understand.

I do but you don’t.

I don’t want to.

* * *

Sun’s high in the sky, the rays highlighting streaks of gold and amber in your hair normally unseen under white fluorescent light. What beautiful colors they are, so alive, hidden behind bright-colored caps and red beanies with white stars. If only you can see what I see.

* * *

Broken shards of mirror, broken shards of promises; 7 years of bad luck.

You said you won’t do it again.

I know. Sorry?

* * *

I brought you to the beach, the one you said you’ve always wanted to go since you saw it in one of your forwarded mails about how its sand is black.

But why black?

So that no one can see the dirty footprints I leave behind.

We sat right on the edge where the waves brush back and forth, playing tag with the sand. Your head on my shoulder, we sat there watching the sun set.

We should leave. The sun’s down, its getting cold.

No, stay. All the warmth I need is right here sitting by my side.

* * *

Subtlety; you think I didn’t know? You loved me the moment your eyes met mine.

Why don’t you sit here? You look sad sitting at the back.

I like being sad.

But that changed when I found you or is it when you found me?

I hear the lies you hide behind your laughter. I see the pain you masquerade through those easy smiles you throw at everyone you see. You are as lonely as I am and as desperate. I’ll give you credit though, for a being a better pretender than me.

* * *

Chemistry’s such a boring subject.

Small dark musty room at the back of the lab, that’s where we always hide during chemistry class, coming out only when the teacher says, “Okay class, this is it for today.” We'll crawl back to our chairs, grab our books, say thank you and walk out as if we learned about ionic equilibrium and knew what Friedel-Crafts alkylation is all about.

We used to just talk or gossip or laugh soundlessly about things. That changed one stormy morning.

There’s something on your lips.

Ssshh, keep it low. The whole class is gonna hear you.

No worries, the skies are on our side.

Crap, zip’s stuck.

Oh yes, ahhh, you feel so good.

Faster, yes, faster! The class ends in 5 minutes.

Silenced moans, bruised lips, ruffled hair, half tucked in shirts, what a beautiful world you introduced me to in that dark dusty room. The teacher asked you why your pants were so dirty and me why my buttons were at the wrong hole. You told her my pencil dropped and rolled under the table and you crawled under to get it back for me while I explained how waking up late for school doesn’t give me enough time to get my buttons right. Stepping out of class, you turned around and started unbuttoning and buttoning them back into the right holes. Later that day, you told me chemistry wasn’t such a boring subject anymore.

* * *

You were absent today, so I hid in the toilet. Heard the sound of the toilet flushing in the next cubicle and I couldn’t help but compare myself to it. The old me, indifferent, cold with no care for this world flushed away just like that when I met you. Replaced by an alien I cannot recognize, clingy and hungry for love, unable to survive even one day without you. How pathetic. I sat through chemistry class in the end just to prove I can still live without you.

Hey, miss me?

No.

Liar.

* * *

You did it again. You promised. But you did it again. Do you not know how much I hurt every time you’re hurt?

You told me you’ll never leave any scars behind.

Proportion, addiction; either one. But I ..

No, don’t promise me you’ll never do it again. Just, just let me catch you when you fall.

Are you strong enough?

Yes.

Okay.