&& here I am again.

Is it any surprise? Is it any wonder?

This time, I managed to hit Day 298.
Is that an achievement or is it really all just a cruel joke?
I'm pretty sure I'm never meant to like spring.

I'm not going to do this anymore.

Love isn't worth it anymore.

No, we didn't last to Day 100. I'm not surprised.

But the whole thing just feels so unfair. It just felt like we never stood a chance - the timing, the distance, the foundation we never got to build, the love that never got to bloom.

Or was it all my fault?

It was only 4 months ago that I said we're good.

Did things change in these 4 months or was I just blind and deaf to all the things that were not right?

I changed. I think that's more like it. I made a decision that put me on a track that is pretty much going nowhere at this point. And being on this track helped me realise some stuff.

I am really just a bad person. I don't know what else to say or what words to use to explain the things going through my mind. I just know that I don't want to do this anymore.

I suck.

Where's my apology?

///

I told you that there is a very high likelihood that I will go crazy one day. And I know this because I battle it everyday, fighting tooth and nail with it so that I can at least have the pretence of "normal".

///

When we first began, your stability and heck, even your lackadaisical attitude was calming. It balanced out the non-stable part of me. I still appreciate that you do that for me but I'm starting to wonder if I can pair up with someone so... "normal". 

I want you so much to understand—to see what I see, to feel what I feel, to get to the very core of me. I've tried to make it easy for you (at a very great expense of myself) but you don't get it and I am terrified that you probably never will.

It's not your fault and it isn't exactly something you could cultivate. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm just too "crazy" for you to even begin to grasp.

///

And maybe I need someone who understands darkness and loneliness the way I do. Someone who has courted death and thought of it as friend rather than foe. Someone who has been in the deep merciless pit, trying so hard to crawl back up only to realise there was never an exit in the first place. That that deep merciless pit is something that will exist in us throughout our days, even when it sees light, even when it sees hope, it will continue to persist.

Someone who understands that every single day, there will be some sort of battle to fight—fear, anxiety, paranoia, self-esteem, self-image, phobias. Someone who thinks that every tear I shed is precious, every wound and scar is hope and every day that I survive against this unseen monster is victory. Someone who is not exactly normal—like me.

///

Oh, it hurts. It hurts that I've given you every possible tool there is for you to know me better, for you to get into my head and read my thoughts—all with which you've done nothing with. I have given you my heart in a box full of letters and all you do is display in your cupboard. 

This one-way relationship is frustrating and heartbreaking.

///

You know what's the worse thing?

That there is a little voice at the back of my head that whispers, "Maybe it's because you're not worth it."

And it gets to me. Every. Single. Time.

///

그렇게 사랑은 지나간다

This is love

아주 작은 게 사랑이었다는 걸
알게 해 준 너

This is love
세상 모든 게 사랑이었다는 걸
가르쳐 준 너