The truth is I can write a list (a pretty long one, I might say) of all the things he doesn't do to me or for me, of all the things that I've done and gone the extra mile that he probably doesn't take into account or even notice. And no, he definitely does not look at me as if maybe I'm magic. Crazy, yes, not magic.

Are men in general just selfish and self-absorbed? My grand-uncle and grand-aunt came down to visit us and I realized that there is only one reason their marriage has lasted for so long and that reason is grand-aunt being tolerant and patient and letting the small things slide. If he says its right, let him think so until its proven otherwise. If he wants something a certain way, let him have his way and he might learn from the mistakes he make. If he makes the same mistake again, just shake your head and do your own thing. That is the secret, everyone and that is the wisdom a woman should attain and the wisdom I'm searching for.

My 100 days is at its 43rd day today. I am at loss, as I've been on the very first day. The same thoughts cross my mind, what am I doing? Am I crazy? I'm just setting up myself to get my heart broken. Love? Really? Because I don't think it exists. You see, the other day, he told me he's not even sure of how he feels towards me. That the feelings he have now isn't the same as the ones he knew as love and he doesn't know which one is real. I don't know how to respond to that because stupidly and optimistically, I thought we were going to work out but of course, being the only one who has feelings isn't enough to "encourage" him to feel the same way. What was I thinking? I went into this relationship with my heart, he didn't.

I don't feel included in his life. He introduces me as his girlfriend (girlfriend said softly or murmured). As much as he tries to deny it, I can see that on his list of priorities that consists of sleep, gaming, drinking, friends and family, I'm probably at the bottom. While I make time for him, he tells me he will find me when he can. Says the person who went shopping on a weekday night and games till 4 in the morning.

Nobody can tell that he's my boyfriend when we go out together without holding hands or any form of PDA (which I have to initiate btw). I've gotten hit on even though he's just standing right in front of me. He probably talks to the girl he used to like more than he does to me. She probably knows that he had a haircut or bought two new belts; which I didn't know of till much later.

And I don't think he has apologized for the tears I've cried because of him. I can see that he doesn't understand my pain and I try to explain but I can also see that he doesn't want to know. Sometimes, I can't bear to tell him how I feel or why I'm sad because I can't stand the look in his eyes, like everything I feel and say is wrong, like I'm blaming him so he becomes defensive. But if he cares, if he can go beyond that defensiveness and ask, I will say that all I want is for him to hold me, to say that he's sorry I feel that way, to listen, really listen and hear what I'm trying to say. There are times I need him but he's so afraid to come near me as if need is a poison, as if not wanting to be alone is a kind of weakness. If only he knows, if only he tries to understand.

I'm at a stage where I'm wondering if I should let go. Let him go so that he has the chance to find the girl who will make his heart skip beats, hands all clammy, make him think of her, miss her, wanting to spend every moment together, a girl who will make him give up everything and give her anything just to see her smile. A girl whom he will know without a doubt that he loves. Why hold on to someone whose heart doesn't belong to me?

I have wanted before, I know how it feels like. I wish he will know too. I wish he will know it for me. But my wishes often do not come true. I think to myself that some things are worth fighting for, a chance at love is worth fighting for. I should at least do all I can before I throw in the towel and then, I look at his behavior, his actions, his words and I just don't know anymore. He could be so sweet, so affectionate but since I could count those moments on my two hands, the stats don't matter. He's already breaking my heart.

Why am I with someone who isn't even sure of his own feelings? Who have clearly told me that the only reason he pursued me was a very different one that did not involve being sucked into a relationship. Someone who doesn't want or need me.

Argh, screw him.