i am tempted to change the colour of these words into something utterly undetectable, perhaps i'll do it on some. the words after this paragraph will not be pretty or even much understood unless you've had the unhappy experience of being one of the voices in my head. it is now 1.50am, a time which i was used to and recently got re-accustomed to. mind you, this is not good news. the clock's ticking all wrong again and it reminds me of how stupid the past was and how much i don't want to hear the steady tick-tock of the hand on the clock; so unforgiving, so unrelenting. it just never gives up, never stops.

and so i shall babble. babble because idk why but this last one or two months have taken a lot of my kind and loving self away and returning me with a selfish, bitchy idiot. its annoying me to no end; this 'me' that i am becoming. not only that, i've been attacked by the ugly googly-eyed monster that goes by the name of lethargy with a capital L. i'm just about as irritable as a girl with PMS going through a bad hair day with not one good pair of shoes to wear and most probably seriously contemplating throwing all her text books from the sixth story balcony she's standing on; not caring if it hits anyone on the head.

i can't sleep and i love sleeping but when the lights turn off and everything's quiet, my mind won't hold its silence. random things keep popping up; exams, food, grocery, the need to remind the maintenance people to fix the bathroom sink, next semester's subjects, how i don't want to ever have sex, birthdays, missing my mum, missing him, wishing more than anything else in the world that he's right here with me and then mentally knocking my head against the nearest mental wall because that ain't gonna happen. ugh! they won't stop. my eyes are tired, drooping and wanting to stay shut but the thoughts won't stop. you know, i've never really had any problem with insomnia till recently and its making everything worse.

okay. i feel much better after these two short paragraphs of rants. i always do which is why i feel it pointless to post this up but i have something to add, something that has been a constant in my head despite all the other thoughts running loose. its a question. its a statement. its a revelation. its a thought, a feeling. its an idea. its a puzzle that's waiting to be completed. its a journey i have to take.

and i forgot to mention, its a cliche.

love.

one word, four letters and it means a ton and more. there are so many facets to love that i have yet to discover. well, actually its more the relationship between a guy and a girl which includes love but i guess the keyword is really relationship which hey! is one word, lots of letters and definitely mean more than a ton and more. epic, isn't it? *rolls eyes*

i'm not gonna make much sense, seeing how i am still in the learning process and mark my words, these aren't easy lessons. they're tough and they're loud and they don't even blink if they make you cry. interestingly, i always fall short of words when it comes to this topic. it feels like there just isn't sufficient amount of letters and syllables to make up words and sentences that would describe and explain all that i have been through and all the thoughts i've had since this 'relationship' of mine started. i just can't.

and somehow you've gotten into your head on how you wanted love to be. you may not realise it even, that you've wanted a relationship that happens according to your ideal until it is happening and you find yourself wondering if this is how its gonna be. i'm not picky and i would say that i adapt quite well, i'm not demanding and i usually pretty much give in to whatever anyone else wants but this time, i'd admit its difficult; difficult for so many reasons and none that feels valid enough. but one thing i can be certain. that as much as there is happiness and joy in love, there will always be equal if not more amount of hurt and tears in it. this is the price to pay (for me, at least).

i bid you goodnight and farewell and may you never see another rant post from me again.