hello, i'm back.

and yes, this is the love post. in regard to the above picture, i would say the one about love quite describes me. not sure about the friendship yet. :D

i don't have much to say about it. i don't want to think about it anymore which i feel is me in some sort of denial or something. i guess i keep trying to find out where it went wrong but what i concluded was not something i'm fully satisfied with.

i'll tell you my conclusion; that it was my fault, from beginning to the end, 다 내 잘못이야. i kick-started the relationship, ignored everyone who told me that it wasn't the best idea to be so hasty, went through it with more tears than anything else and proceeded to end it because it wasn't going anywhere and i foresee no future where i'll be happy.

yet at the same time, i am angry with him because this relationship was a two-way street and i don't understand why i have to bear all the fault on my own. he caused me a lot of hurt and confusion of where yes, i did learn a lot (especially on things that i don't want) but doesn't make it any less painful. i'm not even sure if he apologized. :/ oh wait, he did but i kept telling him that it wasn't his fault. go figure.

so what i'm doing about it now is getting it out of my system by writing about it. hopefully it'll help. might have a few more posts like this in the future.

anyway, these are the lessons i learned;

to never be hasty or stubborn and seriously, listen to the people around because love is truly blind and the friends and family who understands you, been with you the whole time would be able to tell whether he's the right one. when i ended the relationship, my friends and family either told me "i told you so" or "i expected it". urgh.

i either find a guy who meets my expectations and criteria or i don't get into a relationship at all. it wasn't that i was trying to change him but he was too far off the tangent. oh, and i most definitely learned what my expectations and criteria were or at least, i know what i don't want in a guy.

and love doesn't change much about a person. it could, it most probably would not.

respect is so important in a relationship and its not just a word with a vague meaning. to me, its accepting the other person's way of life, opinions, values and being able to communicate the differences in a peaceful way. i always felt that he could never understand where i'm coming from and didn't even make the effort to. another big problem for me was the equal ground thing. i could not help but feel that he unconsciously? felt more superior than me. and thus, my opinions held little value, my advice and help meant nothing and i was just not someone he thought of as an equal; be it intellectually, emotionally or maturity. grr.

money and finances. i will (if it ever happens) to only be in a relationship if i'm financially stable. it was hypocrisy to want equal right between both gender and yet, girls would expect the guys to pay. it just didn't feel right to me which was why it was so confusing. on one hand, he's supposed to support and take care of me but on the other hand, i felt that i should depend on myself. i was torn between the emotions of wanted to be treated like someone special and the thoughts that said i should be independent and not rely on men. its like wanting to be weak and strong at the same time. so next time (if ever), i will make a clear guideline on how the spending was gonna happen.

conversation. many a times had occurred where we didn't have anything to say to each other. it was awkward and terrible. and if i did say anything, he wouldn't get it. different wavelengths. this got me to thinking of people who were best friends before becoming lovers. i think those are really good and healthy because the only reason people are best friends is because they get each other. you know, they can laugh together and they can be themselves in front of each other because they've done it before.

future in-laws. they might not like you but at least, they should not be afraid of talking to you.

other typical stuff. values, dreams, future, how to raise up kids, circle of friends, the way you handle stress and problems, lifestyle, bla bla that if differ should be discussed to reach an acceptable solution. 

yea, i think this is all i've got for now. need to wake up for church tomorrow. goodnight.