//1

i'm afraid. lately, i've been afraid of falling for the wrong person,for any person really because like my sister said, there is a point where i will reach and being single wouldn't seem so fun.

i'm afraid that any nice guys that come along will make my heart skip a beat, make me smile and laugh, make me feel safe and secure, make me feel like maybe it could happen, maybe i could fall in love again.

but more than all the above, i'm afraid of getting into a relationship, of making the same mistakes and wondering if Mr. Right is somewhere out there. so, i'm not taking any risk, not taking any chance and the next time i get into a relationship, it will be one i won't regret. 

there are all these guys around me, all sweet and nice and quite cute. i've never been the kind that listens to my head and one day, if my heart tells me this certain guy seems right, i pray i will be strong enough to take a good look at myself and that guy and really really think it through.

i know love is not like that. i know that it blinds and distorts. and so, i'm afraid of love. because more than the joy and happiness that love brings, i am so much more fearful of the pain and tears it guarantees. and if you didn't know before, i really don't like pain.

//2

this thought came to me when i was in a roti canai competition and it came in the form of a question; what are you looking for?

i'm looking for something i can excel at, something that i am inherently good at, something that i am born to do. every time i decide to try something new, to step out of my comfort zone, i have one hope. that maybe i'll find a place i can belong to. home; i want to find home.

i want to do something, anything that makes me feel right, makes me know that this is where i'm supposed to be. where do i belong? where is the place where i can shine?

when i flip the roti canai dough, when i fall down in the middle of a skating rink, when i managed a cut during a game of pool, when i stand on stage and introduce myself, when i volunteer to be something i know i'm not good at, i search myself and i ask, is this what i was meant to do? is this what i can be good at?

i am still searching for that freedom to be truly me.

trying to call home.