you know the expression, "fear creeping into your heart"? its quite commonly found in horror or mystery novels or any of the scary genre. 

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i feel fear creeping into my heart; it feels like a vine that spreads its tendrils around my heart. they curl around the crooks and crannies of my heart and squeezes; my breath whooshes out and a slight tremble runs through my body.

i feel fear like i never did before; this is not the kind that makes you shriek in surprise or run for your life. no, this is the kind that slivers beneath your skin, that comes in a snap of a thought and drives you over the edge.

its the kind of fear found in regret, the kind where you blame and berate yourself but all is done and time doesn't rewind. I pray to God, I have faith. I hold on to my tears and to my fears because there are people around and i can't just break like that.

 this past week has been difficult and it ain't about to get easier. i fear for what was and what is to come. it seems that i've put all my eggs into one basket and yet i do not dare to hope. i've been going to classes, noting down assignment due dates and all, pretending its normal, pretending to not want to go, pretending that i am not freaking out on the inside.

am i this good at hiding my feelings? nobody knows how afraid i am, nobody knows how much i worry. just because i can put it aside for awhile and focus on something else does not mean its not playing on repeat in the background.

the only good thing about being easily distracted is that i can be very easily distracted from all the bad and sad stuff. yes, see, i am being grateful.

its a tough week, so will the next week.

may God grant me strength.