I guess I’m writing to counter the previous post. Because I am not ungrateful, because I am glad that he is in my life, because I appreciate and remember all the sweet sweet things he’s done (although I’m afraid sweet is the only adjective that comes to mind).

Disclaimer: I pride myself on always being able to see both sides of the coin. So, if the previous posts were all “negative“, then here are the positives.

***

You’ve once asked me about this dress that I tried on in H&M (the black body-hugging one) and why I didn’t get it and to me, it sounded like you were implying that it looked good on me. You’ve also said that you like the white shirt I wore. Gentlemanly gestures? You’ve always been on time and you carry my stuff when I ask you to. You’ve never complained that you have to wait for me to get ready unless when you’re really hungry. You always make sure that I walk on the safe side of the road and you got me a chair to sit on when my feet were hurting from wearing heels in the club (although the waiter came and took it away after a while). You’ve opened your arms to me, listened to me when I was in my crying sprees. And when I move in and put my arms around you, you’ve always let me in. You’ve given me quick pecks on my nose and forehead kisses (the one I remember the most is when I was dead from one glass of long island and you kissed my forehead in public and in front of your friends!). You’ve texted that you miss me (read: my body but I guess something is better than nothing). You did get me a souvenir from Taiwan and you’ve called me before my exams to wish me luck. You fetched me a glass of really cold water all because I said I wanted it and I didn’t even say please.

I can’t recall if you’ve made me laugh before but I know we’ve laughed together and we sing together in the car. You say its a waste of money to call and talk until someone falls asleep but you do call when you know I’m upset. There are days when I don’t text you and you would find me after a while and I guess that means you did think of me. I know that you get worried when I don’t eat. I know that when my back hurts, you would give me a massage and I’ll feel better. Every time I have something to say or want to talk to express my feelings (mostly negative), you listen and you’re always holding my hand or touching me somewhere and the physical contact calms me, reassures me that no matter what I say, it wouldn’t repel you. You have said sorry once, it mattered a lot. You have protected me from falling on my ass in the club?

I am still at the stage where I feel surprised (pleasantly) whenever you demonstrate any kind of affection for me, especially in public or in front of our friends. The latest one would be when we met up because you went with your friends first and I came with mine. When I came over to your group of people, you walked up to me and placed your hand around my waist. I felt acknowledged, validated because you’re saying I’m your girlfriend, that this girl is mine. Also, I think that was the first time you’ve done anything like it. I know that perhaps it is too much to ask for, for you to understand my pain and my tears. I’ve dropped you onto unfamiliar ground and I cannot expect you to know how to navigate it immediately but you have held me, you have gathered me close whenever I came to you and I will always be thankful for that.

You’ve been adorable, a total sweetheart and cute even though you resent me calling you that because you are manly. You’ve made me smile, melt my heart into goo and happy, I am happy with you. I am grateful that you are in my life.

Maybe I love you.

And I’d like a chance to work on that maybe if you’d let me.