This might sound ungrateful, even kinda mean. But you see, I came to this odd realization that you’re not really the kind of guy that I would normally be attracted to.

Disclaimer: I’m not saying that these are your flaws and imperfections or saying that I want you to change. I guess I’m writing this to help myself process the possibility that after 100 days, this will end. And I tell myself that if you are happier without me, I will let you go.

***

You’ll never tell me that I’m pretty or that I’m dressed nicely, let alone tell me I’m beautiful. You’ll occasionally remember to be a gentleman, help me carry heavy stuff, open doors, make sure I’m walking on the safe side of the road but you won’t help me when my car breaks down, when my pet needs feeding while I’m out of town, when my toilet’s leaking, when my heart’s breaking. You’ll never hug me from behind while I do the dishes, or grab me as I walk past for a quick kiss, or text me to say that you miss me, you’ve been thinking about me. You’ll never buy me little gifts because you were reminded of me or because you think I’d be amused/touched by it. You’ll never write me little notes to cheer me up or to just say have a good day. You’ll probably never buy me flowers or bring me to some fancy restaurant (or eat durians) because you want to indulge and pamper me.

You’ll never be the kind of guy that makes me laugh with your silly jokes or silly antics. You’ll never serenade me or talk to me on the phone until I fall asleep. You’ll never text me in the morning because I was the first thing on your mind nor will you text me at the end of the day because I was the last thing on your mind. You won’t ask if I’ve had dinner and even if you do and I say no, you’d never say “I’ll accompany you” although you know that I don’t like eating alone. You won’t come to see me when I’m sick or even ask if there was anything you could do to make me feel better. You won’t be the kind of guy that says “Lets talk about all the problems we have and lets try to fix them.” You’ll never amuse me or entertain me, you’ll never say sorry for the things you didn’t do and for the things you did. You might protect me from bad people but you won’t protect me from bad impressions. You won’t protect my dignity, my integrity, my pride.

And I know I shouldn’t expect you to ever surprise me (in a good way), to go out of your way for me (unless perhaps if its life or death), to come to me whenever I need you. You’ll never understand how difficult it is for me to be who I am today, let alone appreciate or be proud that I’ve come so far because all you see is a girl who cries too much and never seem to stop hurting. You won’t even try to understand. And I wonder if I’ll ever be in the top spot of your priorities, if I ever will matter enough to be included in your thoughts and your plans, if you even see me in your future?

I’m probably not your favorite hello or your hardest goodbye. I’m probably not the first person you want to talk to or see after a long difficult day, nor will I be the first person, the only person you want to tell when you’re happy or sad. You’ll probably have many other things to do in your free time and while spending time with me would be one of them, it wouldn’t be the most important one. You’ll never want me or need me, in any sense or definition of those two words.

You’ll never look at me like I was the best thing that has ever happened to you. You probably don’t feel lucky or blessed because I am in your life. And you’ll never see in my eyes what I feel for you.

And you’ll probably never love me.