I've always wanted to be a grown up. even when I was going through depression during my teenage years, what pulled me through was this dream to be a grown up, to do grown up things and make grown up decisions. it was the reason that I told myself that I wouldn't try killing myself now but I could try it after being a grown up. now now, no worries, I do not have such intentions any more. but still, fascinating, isn't it? what do I know about being a grown up?

I struggle now in my early twenties, trying to grow up. I have these checkpoints that I believe will make me into an adult but I still feel like a kid inside. people look at me and see this girl who laughs too much at everything and think I'm stupid or nicer more accurate terms, shallow, naive, gullible. and I don't know if I'm angry at them for judging me this way or angry at myself for not being able to show a different image of myself. I have a check list of things that I need to do to be considered a grown up. things like have a boyfriend, have sex, manage my finances, go to another country on my own, drive(!), have a credit card, etc. I have checked some of them, I am in the middle of doing some of them but it still does not feel right. none of them feels right and I'm stuck being 22 and feeling 12.

what does maturity mean? what does being an adult mean? what does being a woman mean? these past two years have changed me a lot, given me so much memories but more importantly, so many lessons. all the mistakes I've made, all the pain and heartbreak, all the joy and light, all that and what do i do with them now? have they made me wiser or just cautious? have they made me brave or just reckless? have I even grown a little from all of it?