Secret lives, secret lies.

If I don't know, if I'm unaware, if I am completely out of the loop,
if you are doing something right in front of me and I don't even know what it is,
if I look at you and it feels like I'm wrong, like I'm invading your privacy,
if I wonder, if I'm curious, and still feel like I can't ask you,
if I am completely in the dark, not on purpose, but just because,
if I stand in front of you and realise that behind you is a million things I cannot see or know,
if I have to find out about things from other people,
if I still feel left out..

Then, isn't it a secret?
A secret you're keeping from me.

 //

I just realized with startling clarity that I don't know you at all.

And I am afraid. So afraid.

I wish fear isn't something I'm so ridiculously and acutely aware of. I wish it isn't something that grips my heart and refuses to let go. I wish more than anything that I do not know fear.

Because it is fear that makes me so afraid of you, of the things I don't know about you. It doesn't matter how many questions I ask, it doesn't matter how deep I dig, it doesn't matter because as long as I'm in the dark, it is dark.

I know its unfair to say this about you. I know its not the only thing that defines us. I know that its just one small bad thing in the midst of many good things.

But still... ):

//

I've given you my heart, my world, my future.

And what would you say to me?

"I didn't tell you to."

I've given you my time, my energy, my effort.

And what would you say to me?

"I didn't ask for it."

I've given you my honesty, my pride, my love.

And what would you say to me?

"You didn't have to."

I'm the fool, aren't I?

Where is my dignity or did I give that to you too?

//

I carry you on as if you're lightweight.

But you, you see me as a burden, 

as the ball and chain that is strapped to your ankle.

I look at you as if you are the balance that would balance me out. 

I look at you and I thank God for bringing you into my life. 

But you, you look at me as if I'm going to drive you out of your mind. 

You look at me and you wonder what the hell am I doing in your life.

I feel for you, from high skies to deep canyons. 

I give you all of me. 

You feel for me? Maybe? 

I'm not sure at all.

I see you as treasure, as precious, as wonderful. 

I see you as pillar, as comfort, as peace. 

I see you as friend, as partner, as lover. 

But you? I can't even begin to hope.

Would you see me as gold, as silver, as diamond? 

Would you see me as beauty, as compassion, as heart? 

Do you see me as friend, as partner, as lover? 

If so, why do I feel like anybody could take my place and be yours?

Many times I've said my heart belongs to you. 

Many times I've said my words are true. 

Many times I've said my wounds are bleeding. 

Many times I've said I'm okay when I'm not, not at all.

How many times do you need before I start to believe that love is not an option?

This feels like war, like I have to choose a winning side. This feels like chaos, like being caught in a whirlwind and trying to hang on long enough for things to calm down. This feels like confusion, a tangling of needs and desires, hopes and dreams and my only solution is the one that my mind and heart agrees on, if ever they agree on anything.

This is a mess. This is a disaster. This is not the road I want to take. This is terrible and I'm stuck. 

Something's gone wrong somewhere, somehow I've long deviated from what is "right", I've dabbled and in dabbling, I am tainted and exposed, left more vulnerable yet more cynical than before.

Even if I can trust myself, there is really no point anymore.

Can I spill a little secret here?

Can I share something that has been on my mind for a while now, accumulating like dust, making me feel smothered and old?

It's not actually something negative or bad. Its an observation turned desire, a fantasy any girl would have on the kind of love they want.

And I want a very simple, ordinary one. Perhaps it's my draw in life, the path God has set me upon but when it comes to love and relationships, it has never been exactly smooth sailing or simple.

My idea of simple is simple really, it's a bit old-fashioned, definitely romantic and straightforward. I've seen a lot of couples around me, those who are friends, those who just walk past me in the mall and I guess this is what came out of all my observations and envy.

The reason I say that my relationships have never been easy or simple is because none of them occurred within my natural setting. My first relationship was long distance, my second one was in Korea who also turned out to be an a******, the other two that were the most significant and beautiful only lasted for a while because they weren't meant to work out any other way. The strangest thing is none of my relationships happened where I am right now.

I want a guy who is around me, who is able to be physically present next to me, who I can lean on, depend on and spend everyday together (not that that's I would do but at least, its possible). There's never been a time in my previous relationships where I can say, "I'm hungry, can you bring me some food?" or "I miss you, can I see you now?" because somehow, I'm always in a circumstance that doesn't allow for that.

I want a very normal kind of relationship, one that everyone seem to be having except me. The kind where I can go for midweek dates, watch the latest movies the moment they open, plan the weekends and go around trying new food and exploring new places. The kind where I can be spontaneous and impulsive, knowing that he is actually present to catch me when I fall.

The kind where I can introduce him to my friends and we hang out together. The kind where we share responsibilities; our cars, our families, our finances, the kind where we can raise a pet together. The kind where he's been around so often that he's seen me cry, seen me angry, seen me frustrated, seen me embarrassed, seen me stressed, seen me at my ugliest, seen me at my prettiest. The kind where he's been around enough to find out about my habits, my ticks, my pet peeves, the signs that I give out when I'm nervous or when I'm trying to act strong but I'm actually crumbling on the inside.

The kind where we have inside jokes, where we can share a look and know what the other party is thinking about. The kind where we spent so much time together that we start acting like each other. The kind where we see a future together and actually make concrete, achievable plans for that future to come true; a home, a family, to grow old together.

And the thing is I need that guy to be present with me for all these to happen. It feels like all my previous relationships have had a lot of restrictions on them; distance, curfews, feelings for ex-girlfriend, different nationalities. I know I sound pessimistic and possibly ungrateful but the reason I feel so conflicted is because I am heading into a relationship where I know for a fact that everything I just wrote up there has no chance of happening.

Although I am stronger now, more stable, more independent to handle the distance (yes, its a LDR, something that I promised myself I would never go into), I don't know if I'll be okay with just words and phone calls instead of actions and physical presence. You'd think then, why would I even consider going into this relationship?

Because over the years, I have realized that it isn't easy at all to find a guy that I like who likes me back. Its always one way or the other. I've had my share of guys who chased after me but the reason I haven't been in a dozen or more relationships is because I simply felt no attraction towards them. Don't get me wrong, most of them are very decent, very nice young men who are well-educated, capable and definitely comes with a bright future ahead.

So, yes, I like this guy who to my utter confusion, also likes me back. And that's why I'm taking this risk, taking this chance well knowing that its 50/50 on whether its going to work out. It doesn't mean I'm not afraid or doubtful or wary. Its been difficult for me to trust people and now, I have to trust this guy by only basing it on his words and my instincts (which has been known to be faulty).

Do you know how many things you can hide in a ldr? I would know so little of him and I wouldn't even have the opportunity to share any part of his life other than the one that he tells me about. Same goes for me. But isn't it the point of having a boyfriend, so that he becomes my companion, my partner, the witness to my life as I would be to his?

It seems that I end a lot of my thoughts and writings with a sigh. I'm not looking for answers or solutions. I just feel unsettled and impatient. I really like this guy.

Would you really go anywhere for me?

The beauty of love is in the way he holds you, pulled in tight so that his hearts beat against yours, in the way you hold him back, pliant and encompassing and by doing so, you are not just receiving but also giving. 

The strength of love is in the way his hand folds over yours and rearranges itself so that every finger slips in between yours, and your hand soft and strong, he may lead you but you keep him anchored.

The security of love, is like a blanket, like a shield, when his hand is snug against your waist, when you lean in towards him, he says, you're mine and you say, yes, you're mine, doesn't the world only belong to the two of you then?

Hold on tonight, for us,
I would go anywhere for you

I've always wanted to be a grown up. even when I was going through depression during my teenage years, what pulled me through was this dream to be a grown up, to do grown up things and make grown up decisions. it was the reason that I told myself that I wouldn't try killing myself now but I could try it after being a grown up. now now, no worries, I do not have such intentions any more. but still, fascinating, isn't it? what do I know about being a grown up?

I struggle now in my early twenties, trying to grow up. I have these checkpoints that I believe will make me into an adult but I still feel like a kid inside. people look at me and see this girl who laughs too much at everything and think I'm stupid or nicer more accurate terms, shallow, naive, gullible. and I don't know if I'm angry at them for judging me this way or angry at myself for not being able to show a different image of myself. I have a check list of things that I need to do to be considered a grown up. things like have a boyfriend, have sex, manage my finances, go to another country on my own, drive(!), have a credit card, etc. I have checked some of them, I am in the middle of doing some of them but it still does not feel right. none of them feels right and I'm stuck being 22 and feeling 12.

what does maturity mean? what does being an adult mean? what does being a woman mean? these past two years have changed me a lot, given me so much memories but more importantly, so many lessons. all the mistakes I've made, all the pain and heartbreak, all the joy and light, all that and what do i do with them now? have they made me wiser or just cautious? have they made me brave or just reckless? have I even grown a little from all of it?

Pairing: None really? (implied! EunHae, HanChul, KangTeuk, KyuMin)
Genre: slight! angst. its more to sad actually.
A/N: been wanting to write for the longest time. seeing it was Ryeowook's birthday, i thought i'd write something and this was written in a few hours time. i feel bad for making this sad. gosh, my heart breaks for everything they've been through and i just feel that things aren't gonna get better and that everyone's just hanging on by a thread but i need to believe because its all we can do. && please excuse my terrible memory if there's any wrong SuJu facts and for any past/present/future tense that went wrong. ><


Ryeowook stares at the floor, counting the boxes, counting the lines. He thinks he hears Leeteuk mumbles something about broken hearts and shining stars from where he’s lying on the couch across the room. They had reached home late, later than was originally scheduled because of the stop over at the rest house to celebrate his birthday. When they reached home, everyone gathered at the 11th floor for a round of cheers and celebration, the party being an excuse for them to drink to their hearts’ contents, to maybe for one night forget all the mess they’ve gone through and the future that is still uncertain at its worse and blurred at its best. Ryeowook had stopped drinking after Siwon started to sing praise songs in English. With everyone booing him for his bad pronunciation, he got the keys from Ryeowook and stalked off rather heftily to the 12th floor, turning on the jazz collection he keeps in Donghae’s room to the loudest.

As he looks up from the floor, he catches Kyuhyun’s eyes across the kitchen table. Because of his surgery, Kyuhyun had drank less than what he could have handled, thus not being a part of the drunken hyungs (except Eunhuk, he had just wanted to curl up next to Donghae) who had taken to falling asleep all over the living room. He had walked over to the table after draping a blanket over Sungmin and making sure he was comfortable on his side of the floor which was next to a big pink teddy bear a fan had given them in the early days before pulling out a chair and sitting down opposite Ryeowook.

It’d be nice if Kangin was here, wouldn’t it? He’d be bellowing out some sad love song even though this was a birthday celebration. Kyuhyun said, smiling to himself as he got reminded of his own birthday last year.

Well, he texted me. So. Ryeowook replied knowing that that simple text was already more than he could ask for. He had wanted to invite him over but when he mentioned the text to Eunhyuk and saw him casting a quick glance to Leeteuk who’s running away from a cake-smashing Donghae, he knew that even if it was the right thing to do, it wasn’t the wisest. All he did was reply Thank you. Miss you too, hyung and saved the text into his Saved Messages and into his heart.

Ryeowook turns to look at Heechul who has suddenly gotten up from the other side of Leeteuk’s couch, stumbling a little while trying to maneuver a way through the tangle of limbs that are Eunhyuk and Donghae in the middle of the floor. Ryeowook looks up at him as he puts both his hands on his shoulders, the smell of soju still clinging to his breath.

Wookie ah, do you know how to cook Hankyung’s Beijing fried rice? Heechul says slurring half of his words, his legs kept from buckling because he was holding on to Ryeowook’s shoulders. Ryeowook nodded, taking Heechul’s hands and guiding him to the nearest bed, which was Eunhyuk’s and lying him down on it.

Ahh, make for me one day, will you? Thank you so much, Wookie ah. How my breakfasts would be different without you. He used to cook for me but now, now that he’s gone. Is this Hyukkie’s bed? It smells like him. Heechul mumbles; unshed tears and days of missing someone that could never come back lacing his words as Ryeowook tucks him in.

Shhh, go to sleep, hyung. I promise I'll make you the fried rice. Ryeowook says while pulling up the blanket till it reaches his chin, remembering how he used to see Hankyung do this for Heechul when he comes home from one of his ‘meetings’ drunk and ranting about blood types and bad hairstyles and he would say shut up, Chul, you’ll wake the others up and stays next to him till he falls asleep. Heechul would shut up after the third time Hankyung says that to him.

As Ryeowook walks out of Eunhyuk’s room, a figure runs pass him and heads to the toilet, the toilet bowl to be exact. Ryeowook soaks a towel in warm water and wipes Shindong’s forehead, another hand patting his back as he continued to puke his dinner, lunch, breakfast and even Ryeowook’s birthday cake out. Shindong finally done, slumps next to the toilet bowl, his head on Ryeowook’s shoulders and sighs.

Ryeowook wanted to ask if he was okay before he heard a low rumbling from Shindong’s side and knew that he was already fast asleep. He called for Kyuhyun hoping he could come help him lift Shindong to somewhere more hygienic to sleep in and it took a few more times before Kyuhyun pokes his head in.

If you’re asking me to carry him, I’m not doing it. Kyuhyun shoots out before Ryeowook even had the chance to open his mouth.

Please, he’s not that heavy anymore. And we can’t just leave him here. The dorm ahjumma hasn’t cleaned this floor yet. Ryeowook pleads, attempting to lift Shindong to prove that with the two of them, they could easily move him somewhere else and stumbles a little as he puts one arm across his shoulder. Kyuhyun, after shooting glare at the snoring Shindong walks over and puts his other arm across his shoulders. After a few tries and Kyuhyun muttering doesn’t mean he’s not heavy under his breath, they managed to get him into the nearest room, Eunhyuk’s. Seeing that Heechul kicked off his blanket, Ryeowook draped it over Shindong who they had dropped onto the floor. After making sure that Shindong could not bump into Eunhyuk’s dresser and rearrange the positions of Eunhyuk’s mixes of bottles and containers on the dresser, Ryeowook and Kyuhyun left and went back to sit where they were from.

Kibum sent me a text too. And Hankyung emailed me last week. He must be too busy and got the dates mixed up. Ryeowook mentioned these to Kyuhyun as if saying them would make things better, would make it feel like they’re complete, like nothing happened.

Do you think we’ll be alright? Kyuhyun said, barely a whisper because he’s afraid of the answer but having an answer even if it’s a lie is better than not hoping at all.

Ryeowook looks at him, sees the bandage he still has on his ear and thinks maybe not but he doesn’t say that because even if he doesn’t believe in promises or himself, he believes in hope and says yes, I think we’ll be alright.

And he hopes that his birthday wish will come true.


end.

SJ=SJ

Title: Caught In A Bad Romance
Pairing: Eunhyuk/Donghae
Genre: Drabble/ Fail!Humour
A/N: Where Eunhyuk confesses and Donghae’s denser than a fish.

Eunhyuk finally decides to tell Donghae what he really feels. He found the perfect moment when Donghae came walking into his room demanding for his precious beanie to be returned. Eunhyuk looks at Donghae’s head and sees it there but he decides that it can wait and pushes Donghae against the door, both hands on his face.

Donghae, look into my eyes. Do you see yourself in them? You are all I see.

Well, ye-ah, it’s called reflection. And if you turn your head, then you won’t be able to see me anymore.
Donghae grins as if he said the smartest thing on earth and possibly the galaxy while Eunhyuk's head fall onto the door, his heart crushed on the floor.

***

Title: Kiss Me
Pairing: Eunhyuk/Donghae (for me anyway, it could be any other pairing)
Genre: Drabble/ Fail!Humour
A/N: erm, don’t ask me how this came about. *hides*

Kiss me, kiss me senseless.
Kiss me till all I know is you and all I taste is the dinner you just had.

Ryeowook’s Beijing friend rice? Mmm, but with Hankyung secret sauce, right?

Title: Tell Me Your Wish
Pairing: Eunhyuk/Donghae
Genre: Drabble/ Fail!Humour, PG (for implied smut?)
A/N: During one of Donghae’s weekly personality change

Eunhyuk’s cleaning his wardrobe when he realizes one side of his glove is still with Donghae. He heads over to his room and finds Donghae sitting cross-legged, closed eyes on the bed with a crown on his head. Around his waist was a belly dancer scarf, the kind that jingles when you move and that was the only cloth on his body. Eunhyuk takes the scene in and guessed that it was one of Donghae’s weekly personality escapades. Before Eunhyuk could ask for his glove back, Donghae opens his mouth and sings “I’m a genie in the bottle, baby. If you have a wish, you gotta rub me the right way, honey.”

And Eunhyuk does as the genie desires; he really needs his wardrobe spick and span before sundown.

end.

A/N 2: err, yea. Smut to follow but I don’t think I could write smut. DD: && yes yes, I know, I changed the lyrics a little so that the drabble would make sense.

Pairing: Sungmin/Kyuhyun

Genre: One-shot


Draw me love. Tell me what colour it is.
Draw me love. Maybe I will recognise it.

He's always thought that love was black and white. The picture of his parents' wedding that he sees every morning on his way out could never show the pink flush of his father's cheeks as his mother suddenly turned around and kissed him with her red lips as the camera clicked. However, their love was evident; the way they held hands and the happiness in his mother's eyes as she looked at her husband shines through the black and white wedding picture.

When he met his first girlfriend, she had black and white rules that they had to follow when they were together. Rules such as first date is on him while the following dates, they'll split half. If she gets angry for reasons he does not even understand although most of the time it was PMS, he must apologise and do everything in his power to make her feel better (aka buying her jewelry and other girl stuff). He must call her very night and every morning to tell her where he's been and what he is going to do. Every month, he must spend at least one day with her and her girlfriends.

Finally on their 158th day together, she broke up with him claiming that the horoscope book foresee his disloyalty if they keep seeing each other. He argued saying that horoscopes cannot be depended on as the positions of the moon and the stars and whatever else are never certain and everything written in the book are hypothetical. She said goodbye, it was fun while we lasted and walked away. He figured, maybe love wasn't just black and white, it was slightly gray too.

He first met Sungmin coming out of the dorm's bathroom with a toothbrush between his teeth and a pink towel with bunnies and eggs motif wrapped around his hips. When Sungmin saw him, he merely took the toothbrush out of his mouth, extended his hand to Kyuhyun and with a smile, said you must be the new guy. Welcome to Super Junior. Kyuhyun was dumbstruck for the first time in many years and could only shake the offered hand. He continued staring at Sungmin as he walked away and wondered why his stomach is feeling a little funny as if butterflies are making their home there.

The day he found out he was rooming with Sungmin, his heart did a little leap of joy and he tried to reason that it was because Sungmin’s obsession with pink is much easier to handle than Leeteuk’s shiny white room, Eunhyuk’s need to put everything in place or Shindong’s nightly visits to the kitchen. He also didn’t mind the fact that he gets to be around Sungmin and the warmth he seems to radiate.

As time pass by, he also realizes another thing; that maybe after all, love could be pink. All shades of pink, from the pink of Sungmin’s cheeks whenever he praises Sungmin’s singing to the pink of Sungmin’s lips when he bites it subconsciously whenever he is concentrating hard on something. Pink because its all he sees when he wakes up, when he goes to bed and when he dreams and although it should have annoyed him by now, the colour only reminds him of Sungmin’s hands holding his when he was in the hospital, he was holding his hands so tight that his fingertips were turning from pink to red and his nose that was pink from all the crying in fear and gratitude that Kyuhyun was safe at last.

When he woke up from his coma, the first thing he saw was Sungmin’s pink jacket and he had never felt safer than that moment where he knew Sungmin will always be there for him and he never felt more alive than that moment where he finally told Sungmin he loves him and Sungmin who was staring at the pink fluffy bear in his hands threw it to the side, wrapped his hands around Kyuhyun and said, well, its about time. As he stared at the pink bear on the floor and tightened his hands around Sungmin, he decided love must be pink.

***

You knew from the first day you met him that the both of you would end up like this, only you were too afraid to make the move. When you were placed in the same room as him, so close but oh so far away, you ached in places you never knew existed, although some were familiar and particularly one that kept you hidden under the covers even when the night is sickeningly warm or under a cold shower when its -10°C outside.

It was blur. It was hazy. But it was so clear in your head. The image of Kyuhyun sprawled in front of you, eyes dark with desire, lips trembling from too much kissing and hands pulling you down for more used to be only something you saw in your dreams.

Kyuhyun was not invited to join in but he sat himself opposite you and poured himself a glass of wine anyway. The wine was already half gone by then; your pathetic attempt to drown your sorrows of unrequited love with the person who is now ironically sitting opposite you. You stare warily at the figure sitting in front of you and wondered what you ever did to deserve such torture of watching the love of your life sipping wine with that beautiful mouth of his.

It was hot. It was sweaty. But it was good, so good. You pushed him onto the bed but only after stripping him down to nothing but skin; smooth, pale and absolutely delectable. You followed him down, hands roaming, eager to touch, eager to feel, to make sure none of this is a dream because somehow this feels too good to be true.

Maybe it was the wine, maybe you just couldn’t take it anymore. A clear answer is better than getting drunk on tears and wine and hurting because he’s right there and you can’t touch him. So you crawled yourself to his side and he looked at you questioningly. You told him you’re not drunk before you pulled him in for a long awaited kiss and nothing mattered anymore. All you knew for the next few seconds or was it minutes was how his lips tasted so much better than all the wine you’ve been drinking, how they were so much softer than you imagined and how Kyuhyun although taken aback at first quickly warmed up and opened his mouth.

It was rough. It was fast. And when bright lights filled your vision, you wanted time to just stop because this moment was everything you ever wanted and never thought you needed. When reality slipped back in, you fear what was to happen. You hold your breath, unwilling to accept the possibility of going back to square one because this time your heart would not be able to take it anymore.

He pulled you into his arms, whispered something that went like let’s do it some more. You turned around, opened your eyes and saw the glow in his eyes. His lips pulled up in a smirk and you knew this is how you will always end up; breathless.

Hey, Sungmin, breathe.

A/N: wrote this for my sister's 16th birthday. she'a TOP fan and this was her prompt taken from my pjs. == hopefully she'll like it although its kinda short. but really my muse hasn't been helping and i stared at the screen for a really long time before completing this. eek. here goes.

//

Aish, I hate rainy days.

An echo.

Two eyes met and locked. It was a boy and a girl hating rainy days, sharing the same shelter under the yellow roof of a bus stop. His name was Seung Hyun, her’s Heather; they found out as they laughed about the weather.

“Why do you hate rainy days?” she asked.

“It messes my hair up,” he answered. You?

“Same” and they shared a smile, an amused understanding between each other.

As the rain got heavier, small splatters of rain blew in by the wind dotted their clothes. So they sat a little closer, sharing the same seat in the middle of the empty bus stop. The bus was taking forever and that was how long they sat there together.

He shivered a little; she draped her scarf around the both of them. He thanked her; she said its okay. Because sometimes all it takes to make a rainy day better is to share it with someone who’s a willing company, preferably with a scarf and an intense need to make sure their hair are always nice and dry.

And although forever was a long time, they still parted ways. But on days especially dark with skies about to burst open and pour with rain water, they each remember the company they shared under a warm wooly scarf and a yellow rooftop while the wind blew through their dry hair. And they know really, rainy days are not that bad after all; with the right company.

Ji Yong plops himself on the sofa next to Seungri and watches him in amusement as he flips from channel to channel. When Seungri realizes that there's nothing interesting on the tv, he turns to Ji Yong and asks, "What are you doing here? I thought Young Bae hyung asked you out just now."

Ji Yong shrugs, not answering his question and instead replies, "I'm bored. Got anything to do?"

Seungri smiles and without missing a beat, says almost nonchalantly, "Do me."

"Wh-what?" stutters Ji Yong a few seconds later, staring at the young boy sitting in front of him with his hands clasped on his laps and a twinkling in his eyes who's asking him to what? Do him? Is he dreaming again?
He’s just about to slap himself awake when Seungri beats him to it by no, not slapping him, but by leaning in and giving him a quick peck on the lips. Oh, yeah. He’s pretty sure he’s awake, especially when he licks his lips and tasted yang geng.

“You have been stealing hyung’s yang geng, haven’t you?” Ji Yong says in an accusatory tone, still licking his lips.

“I know you like it, hyung. So.. are you still bored?” questions Seungri.

“Yea, a bit. But I know what I can do now,” replies Ji Yong with a smirk on his face.

“What?” asks an anxious Seungri.

Ji Yong pulls himself forward until his lips are merely one inch away from Seungri’s. He breathes the sentence, “Do you, of course,” before claiming Seungri’s sweet tasting lips with his own and finding himself a new hobby.

A/N: this is to be a gdyb fic. starts off from GD's POV, in case you're confused and then it alternates. (:

A cut, red ink, stained pink, will this ever end? I saw a faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes and I know I will never do it again, not this way.

Sun’s high in the sky, the rays highlighting streaks of gold and amber in your hair normally unseen under white fluorescent light. What beautiful colors they are, so alive, hidden behind bright-colored caps and red beanies with white stars. If only you can see what I see.

Broken shards of mirror, broken shards of promises; 7 years of bad luck.

I brought you to the beach, the one you said you’ve always wanted to go since you saw it in one of your forwarded mails about how its sand is black.

We sat right on the edge where the waves brush back and forth, playing tag with the sand. Your head on my shoulder, we sat there watching the sun set.

Subtlety; you think I didn’t know? You loved me the moment your eyes met mine.

But that changed when I found you or is it when you found me?

I hear the lies you hide behind your laughter. I see the pain you masquerade through those easy smiles you throw at everyone you see. You are as lonely as I am and as desperate. I’ll give you credit though, for a being a better pretender than me.

Small dark musty room at the back of the lab, that’s where we always hide during chemistry class, coming out only when the teacher says, “Okay class, this is it for today.” We'll crawl back to our chairs, grab our books, say thank you and walk out as if we learned about ionic equilibrium and knew what Friedel-Crafts alkylation is all about.

We used to just talk or gossip or laugh soundlessly about things. That changed one stormy morning.

Silenced moans, bruised lips, ruffled hair, half tucked in shirts, what a beautiful world you introduced me to in that dark dusty room. The teacher asked you why your pants were so dirty and me why my buttons were at the wrong hole. You told her my pencil dropped and rolled under the table and you crawled under to get it back for me while I explained how waking up late for school doesn’t give me enough time to get my buttons right. Stepping out of class, you turned around and started unbuttoning and buttoning them back into the right holes. Later that day, you told me chemistry wasn’t such a boring subject anymore.

You were absent today, so I hid in the toilet. Heard the sound of the toilet flushing in the next cubicle and I couldn’t help but compare myself to it. The old me, indifferent, cold with no care for this world flushed away just like that when I met you. Replaced by an alien I cannot recognize, clingy and hungry for love, unable to survive even one day without you. How pathetic. I sat through chemistry class in the end just to prove I can still live without you.

You did it again. You promised. But you did it again. Do you not know how much I hurt every time you’re hurt?

A/N: For Part 1, click > Smile Part 1. part 2's from Ji Yong's pov.

* * *

If I didn’t know her well enough, I would think that she’s taking the news pretty calmly but I do and the smile I see plastered on her face right now is the fakest I have ever seen since I met her.
In her eyes, I saw pain. I saw her unwillingness to believe what I was saying to her, what I was doing to her. She was putting on that smile, the one where it will turn into a short laughter when I tell her it’s all a joke, except its not.

It was the only way I could protect her. Clichéd I know but it was true. It broke my heart when I realized what I had to do. She might have been happier by my side but would she be happy if her privacy is poked and prodded every single second of her life, where nothing she does will go unnoticed and every action she takes is judged just because she is the girlfriend of a famous idol? I love her too much to allow that kind of intrusion into her life. The price was too much to pay just to be with me. I of all people should know how tough the life of a star, of an idol should be. My manager was right, if I love her, I would let her go.

It had been 2 years and 3 months and 14 days since I walked away from her smiling face, not that I’m counting. I just have a strong memory and good counting skills. My days since then have been filled with performing, filming, singing, producing, and on most lonely nights, pulling back all those memories I had with her that are pushed to the back of my head during the busy days because they would just distract. But during the nights when only the soft breathing sounds of the other members could be heard, I get reminded of how she used to fall asleep in my arms and wake up complaining about how her neck aches from sleeping on my bony shoulders. And when I write, she becomes a source of inspiration, a muse for all the sad heartbreaking love songs I put on the paper.

I’m so sorry but I love you.
Imagine my shock when I saw her on a TV show one morning. She was introduced as an upcoming star specializing in dancing. She was more beautiful than I remembered. Toned body from all the training, her dark brown hair which has grown to below her shoulders and her eyes that used to smile as she smiles now burn with fire and passion but no longer crinkle at the corner when her lips lift in a smile.

I met her again a few days later in a friend’s party.

“Congratulations,” I said to her as she walked up to meet me.

“Thanks, but I should be the one thanking you,” she said, her eyes twinkling in the low light.

“Why?” I asked, puzzled.

“You were the reason,” she replied. I looked at her with questioning eyes.

“You were the reason I worked so hard to become who I am today. I became someone who could fit into your world because I knew it was the only way to get into your life. This was the only way I know how to smile again. I need you by my side,” she explained.

Smile and everything will be alright because I will be by your side.
I remember when I said that. It was the second time I saw her on the school’s rooftop. The first time, she was just sitting there smiling to herself as she writes into a little book. It started to pour suddenly and when she got up to leave, something fell out of her book. A bookmark I later realized as I picked it up and took it home to dry. It got all wrinkled as paper get when they get wet then dried but I figured I should still return it to her.

So I went the second time and I saw her standing at the edge of the roof, the part where the wall is a little lower than the rest. For a split moment, I thought she was going to jump or something but I was wrong, thank God. She was just standing there having the wind blow at her face and mess up her short little bob-cut hair. As I walked closer, I saw tears running down her cheeks and I realize the wind was to blow her tears away too. I returned her bookmark that day and that’s when it all started. I never found out why she was crying but I did tell her as we parted ways, smile and everything will be alright because I will be by your side knowing that there’s where I want to be for just about the rest of my life.

“Earth to Kwon Ji Yong,” she said as she waved her hands in front of my face.

I looked at her and I couldn’t think of anything else but to pull her into my arms, arms that had craved her these 2 years 5 months 23 days and crash my lips to hers. I’ve missed her, missed her so much. And when we pulled apart, I see the smile I use to love and I know its there to stay.

A/N: this is to be a gri fic. 

//

runs hands through ruffled hair

runs hands under crumpled shirt

a moan, asking for more, please, more

runs mouth along smooth collarbone, whispering dark desires, 

nibbling, biting, sucking

a groan, demanding for the whispers to be acted on

runs mouth down his body, from his racing heart to his navel,

and going down just little further

a sigh, finally

legs tangled, clothes gone in a flash, sweat glistening off bodies 

moulded together, hot from lust or maybe..

a revelation, love

A/N: this might turn into a two-shot. depends on the time i have or if my muse returns. i gotta go concentrate on my Commonwealth essay that i have to pass up tmr on which i have not even started writing about yet.

* * *

You once told me, smile and everything will be alright.

So I smiled as you spoke the words that broke my heart. I smiled as tears ran down my cheeks, unable to comprehend what you were trying to say to me. Sorry? Leave? Goodbye? But I still smiled as you turned around and walked away. Even when I fell to the ground, despair swallowing me in its darkness, a smile was still pasted on my face.

I reached for your warm body as I turned on my bed. All I found was a white sheet, cold from the night breeze. My hands came back empty, just like my chest empty of what used to be there. I still couldn’t understand.

You told me you were nothing without me; you told me you loved me. You told me you will always be by my side. Why say things you didn’t mean? Why make promises you couldn’t keep? What happened to all the memories we made?

Our first kiss by the beach as the sun set where you looked up from scribbling on the sand and said, “You know, this sunset will go to waste if we don’t have something to remember it by.” My thoughts were on what to use to engrave our name on the nearby coconut tree when you pulled me up and planted your lips on mine. I remember the sound of the waves rushing in but it couldn’t have been louder than the beating of my heart. I remember the wind blowing and how I could taste the sea on your lips. That sunset definitely did not go to waste.

Our 100th day anniversary that fell on Valentine’s Day where you stood me up leaving me waiting like a fool outside the cinema watching every other couple holding hands and whispering into each other’s ears as they enjoyed their Valentine’s Day together. I swore I could have killed you if you hadn’t appeared when the movie had finished with the biggest bouquet of yellow roses I have ever seen and the big white teddy bear I’ve been wanting since I first saw it on our first date.

I hid the smile that was beginning to spread across my face and when you thought I was angry, you gave this long never-ending explanation on how there was a car accident on the road and the whole place was jammed but if you had bought the bear earlier, the shop wouldn’t have ran out of stock and you wouldn’t have to go to another place across town to buy it just to find out they don’t have the size you want because you remember me telling you that if I were to have a teddy bear, I want a real big one that I could hug to sleep every night which had you going to another shop to get it and because you were moving here and there, the flowers you bought earlier were starting to wilt so you had to go buy another bouquet, thank God the second shop you went to had them or else I would still be standing here waiting for you. You ended every sentence with an “I’m sorry.” You were so flustered and so scared that I was going to throw a fit and proclaim to never see you again in another million years that I just had to run to you and give you the biggest hug of your life, whispering into your ear, “That’s why I love you, my perfectionist Kwon Ji Yong.”

On my 18th birthday, you took me to 18 different shopping malls over 18 days to buy me a different item each day. First, it was a pair of socks. The next day, it was a pair of shades. Then, it was the most expensive and gorgeous kicks I have ever seen which you had in the same design but in a different color. Over the 18 days, you bought me a dress, earrings, makeup even and everything else that made a beautiful outfit and that was exactly what it was meant to be.

“I wanted you to look beautiful on your 18th birthday,” you said when I asked why you wanted me to wear everything you bought me over the past 2 weeks. As soon as I finished putting on everything you bought me, I realized that every material and accessory you picked matched with each other, the dress you picked complimented my figure, the lipgloss and eye-makeup you taught me how to apply accentuated my eyes and hid my chapped lips. You brought me to the beach where we had our first kiss and when it started to rain, I could see how you were disappointed things weren’t going as planned so I took your hand and we danced in the rain and caught a terrible cold the day after.

These memories meant the world to me. Were there just wasted time and meaningless memories to you? When you told me to forget them as if they never happened, when you told me it was all a mistake, that I was a mistake, your words tore my heart into unrecognizable pieces, never meant to fit together again.

As I thought of all that you were to me, the long conversations we had on the phone in the middle of the night and the dreams we shared, a smile crept onto my face but when I saw my reflection on the mirror with that small smile against a tear-stained face, I remember and I start crying all over again.

You once told me, smile and everything will be alright because I will be by your side.

But you are not by my side now, are you?

A/N: this was absolutely done on impulse. i just started typing and this came out. finished it in about 15 to 20 minutes but i came back and re-edited it a bit. so don't blame me if its sounds a bit off. the 'he' who smiled of course is none other than Kwon Ji Yong, because seriously his smile could kill. hmm, don't know why but i'm seeing a lot of ppl's smiles lately that can make me fall in love with. that's not a good thing actually. lol. enjoy ayway!

* * *

Numbness should be a feeling. It’s all I know now. My head hurts. I’ve only had 2 hours of sleep last night. I was determined to finish my work, at least some of it. I could never be good enough but I need to be better than who I was.

Growing too used to falling down and getting up on my own, to crying and wiping away my own tears, yes, I believe the numbness is starting to grow on me. I struggle through each day but I guess, you couldn't call it a struggle if it happens everyday. Nahh, it should be called life and survival.

And then he came, unexpectedly and beautifully like an angel that came to save me from this weird horrible mess I’ve placed myself into. I had wanted to die. I used to tell myself I shouldn't because there are many things waiting for me to do, for me to see, for me to achieve. But my only friend, well, he couldn't find the strength to love me. Maybe I was too confused. Maybe I was too ignorant. Either way, he left. Subtly and quietly till one day I realize that he is no longer by my side and the promise we made had faded away a long time ago.

As I stood on bridge, it feels like even the winds agree with my idea for they blew hard and strong waiting for me to lose my balance and fall into the river's embrace. I thought I’d wait for the sun to set before leaving my miserable excuse of life. At least it will have a beautiful ending.

That's when I saw him. The sun's glare was right in my eyes, so I turned away and there he was, a few feet away, looking at the same sunset with a smile etched on his face that could only be described as beautiful in every essence of that word. He has a smile that could kill or bring hundreds alive. I felt happy just seeing him smile, a feeling I haven’t felt for months.

I kept looking at him, leaning closer to the railing trying to catch another glimpse of that breathtaking smile and what a breath-taker it was because as I leaned, the railing gave way and broke. I fell, looking into his eyes that spoke to me of hope and confidence. As the end came closer and I could hear the sound of the waves below me, I closed my eyes and waited for the quiet peace that will follow.

He smiled, I died.

***