This feels like war, like I have to choose a winning side. This feels like chaos, like being caught in a whirlwind and trying to hang on long enough for things to calm down. This feels like confusion, a tangling of needs and desires, hopes and dreams and my only solution is the one that my mind and heart agrees on, if ever they agree on anything.

This is a mess. This is a disaster. This is not the road I want to take. This is terrible and I'm stuck. 

Something's gone wrong somewhere, somehow I've long deviated from what is "right", I've dabbled and in dabbling, I am tainted and exposed, left more vulnerable yet more cynical than before.

Even if I can trust myself, there is really no point anymore.