Can I spill a little secret here?

Can I share something that has been on my mind for a while now, accumulating like dust, making me feel smothered and old?

It's not actually something negative or bad. Its an observation turned desire, a fantasy any girl would have on the kind of love they want.

And I want a very simple, ordinary one. Perhaps it's my draw in life, the path God has set me upon but when it comes to love and relationships, it has never been exactly smooth sailing or simple.

My idea of simple is simple really, it's a bit old-fashioned, definitely romantic and straightforward. I've seen a lot of couples around me, those who are friends, those who just walk past me in the mall and I guess this is what came out of all my observations and envy.

The reason I say that my relationships have never been easy or simple is because none of them occurred within my natural setting. My first relationship was long distance, my second one was in Korea who also turned out to be an a******, the other two that were the most significant and beautiful only lasted for a while because they weren't meant to work out any other way. The strangest thing is none of my relationships happened where I am right now.

I want a guy who is around me, who is able to be physically present next to me, who I can lean on, depend on and spend everyday together (not that that's I would do but at least, its possible). There's never been a time in my previous relationships where I can say, "I'm hungry, can you bring me some food?" or "I miss you, can I see you now?" because somehow, I'm always in a circumstance that doesn't allow for that.

I want a very normal kind of relationship, one that everyone seem to be having except me. The kind where I can go for midweek dates, watch the latest movies the moment they open, plan the weekends and go around trying new food and exploring new places. The kind where I can be spontaneous and impulsive, knowing that he is actually present to catch me when I fall.

The kind where I can introduce him to my friends and we hang out together. The kind where we share responsibilities; our cars, our families, our finances, the kind where we can raise a pet together. The kind where he's been around so often that he's seen me cry, seen me angry, seen me frustrated, seen me embarrassed, seen me stressed, seen me at my ugliest, seen me at my prettiest. The kind where he's been around enough to find out about my habits, my ticks, my pet peeves, the signs that I give out when I'm nervous or when I'm trying to act strong but I'm actually crumbling on the inside.

The kind where we have inside jokes, where we can share a look and know what the other party is thinking about. The kind where we spent so much time together that we start acting like each other. The kind where we see a future together and actually make concrete, achievable plans for that future to come true; a home, a family, to grow old together.

And the thing is I need that guy to be present with me for all these to happen. It feels like all my previous relationships have had a lot of restrictions on them; distance, curfews, feelings for ex-girlfriend, different nationalities. I know I sound pessimistic and possibly ungrateful but the reason I feel so conflicted is because I am heading into a relationship where I know for a fact that everything I just wrote up there has no chance of happening.

Although I am stronger now, more stable, more independent to handle the distance (yes, its a LDR, something that I promised myself I would never go into), I don't know if I'll be okay with just words and phone calls instead of actions and physical presence. You'd think then, why would I even consider going into this relationship?

Because over the years, I have realized that it isn't easy at all to find a guy that I like who likes me back. Its always one way or the other. I've had my share of guys who chased after me but the reason I haven't been in a dozen or more relationships is because I simply felt no attraction towards them. Don't get me wrong, most of them are very decent, very nice young men who are well-educated, capable and definitely comes with a bright future ahead.

So, yes, I like this guy who to my utter confusion, also likes me back. And that's why I'm taking this risk, taking this chance well knowing that its 50/50 on whether its going to work out. It doesn't mean I'm not afraid or doubtful or wary. Its been difficult for me to trust people and now, I have to trust this guy by only basing it on his words and my instincts (which has been known to be faulty).

Do you know how many things you can hide in a ldr? I would know so little of him and I wouldn't even have the opportunity to share any part of his life other than the one that he tells me about. Same goes for me. But isn't it the point of having a boyfriend, so that he becomes my companion, my partner, the witness to my life as I would be to his?

It seems that I end a lot of my thoughts and writings with a sigh. I'm not looking for answers or solutions. I just feel unsettled and impatient. I really like this guy.

Would you really go anywhere for me?