snippets ☼
"She was a curious girl, a wanderer, who spent her summers chasing fluttering pieces of prose and eating strawberries."— Michael Faudet
Your relationship with me is fear-based.
But can someone tell me why I am the only one trying to work this out?
Labels: 100daysofspring, lovelife, morelikenonexistentlovelife, sadface
+ posted on Sunday, January 11, 2015 at 11:18 PM
***
Ever since I met and got together with boyfie, I have felt the full extent of my introversion.
Not difficult to see when my introversion contrasts so much with his extroversion. It hasn't been easy understanding and accepting that he is the way he is when I am the way I am.
Sometimes, I don't know how to tell him that all I want to do is find a hole to hide myself in. Or tell him why I don't want to hang out with his friends and anyone else really; that all I want to do is stay in and snuggle. That all I need is a book in my hands and my life is complete.
Sometimes, I don't understand how he can spend an entire night talking to a complete stranger in a language he is not even proficient in. And perhaps the most difficult of all is understanding that when he is friendly with girls(!), it is just his nature to engage people. (And I shouldn't fly into irrational jealousy which is of course, easier said than done.)
I have been trying to help him understand why I feel the way I do—which is not the easiest thing to accomplish. Given my personality and temperament, I am afraid that I will grow to despise the things that he does because of (or largely due to) his extroversion—the drinking, the late nights out, the random conversations with strangers, the chit chatting with girls (that if happen too often will be just damn annoying) and his friends because birds of the same feather flock together, right? They are almost all like him which means when I hang out with his friends, my energy is usually completely drained and all I want to do is run away as far away as possible in the opposite direction. But I don't want to start disliking things simply because they don't jibe with me.
On the other hand, he doesn't seem to get the strain that I am put under in big groups; with people I don't know, in conversations I have no interest in whatsoever. And really, I have lived a relatively quiet life prior to meeting him. My clubbing, my outings, and my socialising have all been spaced out and only done when I feel like it.
But now, there is another person to consider; someone who likes going out and meeting people and sitting around chugging beer, talking nonsense (or "philosophy") and just being the total opposite of me. The truth is I am still trying to understand the dynamics that go on in his relationship with his friends. Heck, I am still trying to understand the boyfie and how his mind works while constantly wondering if both of us can be together for the long haul.
Recently, there have been a couple of times where he hung out with his friends without me—as in he left me at home while I did my work and he went out. As much as work was the reason I couldn't go out with him, it was also a really good excuse. I just couldn't stand seeing any more people. The past year has been filled with so many people and as I recall, I've been so exhausted to the point of breaking because there's just been one thing after another with no pit stops for me to rest. I just can't. My quota is really like the same 5 people on a twice a month a basis but now? ㅠㅠ
It has been difficult, I know it will continue being so. And I can only do my best (or heartbroken trying).
Because you are the only exception.
Ever since I met and got together with boyfie, I have felt the full extent of my introversion.
Not difficult to see when my introversion contrasts so much with his extroversion. It hasn't been easy understanding and accepting that he is the way he is when I am the way I am.
Sometimes, I don't know how to tell him that all I want to do is find a hole to hide myself in. Or tell him why I don't want to hang out with his friends and anyone else really; that all I want to do is stay in and snuggle. That all I need is a book in my hands and my life is complete.
Sometimes, I don't understand how he can spend an entire night talking to a complete stranger in a language he is not even proficient in. And perhaps the most difficult of all is understanding that when he is friendly with girls(!), it is just his nature to engage people. (And I shouldn't fly into irrational jealousy which is of course, easier said than done.)
I have been trying to help him understand why I feel the way I do—which is not the easiest thing to accomplish. Given my personality and temperament, I am afraid that I will grow to despise the things that he does because of (or largely due to) his extroversion—the drinking, the late nights out, the random conversations with strangers, the chit chatting with girls (that if happen too often will be just damn annoying) and his friends because birds of the same feather flock together, right? They are almost all like him which means when I hang out with his friends, my energy is usually completely drained and all I want to do is run away as far away as possible in the opposite direction. But I don't want to start disliking things simply because they don't jibe with me.
On the other hand, he doesn't seem to get the strain that I am put under in big groups; with people I don't know, in conversations I have no interest in whatsoever. And really, I have lived a relatively quiet life prior to meeting him. My clubbing, my outings, and my socialising have all been spaced out and only done when I feel like it.
But now, there is another person to consider; someone who likes going out and meeting people and sitting around chugging beer, talking nonsense (or "philosophy") and just being the total opposite of me. The truth is I am still trying to understand the dynamics that go on in his relationship with his friends. Heck, I am still trying to understand the boyfie and how his mind works while constantly wondering if both of us can be together for the long haul.
Recently, there have been a couple of times where he hung out with his friends without me—as in he left me at home while I did my work and he went out. As much as work was the reason I couldn't go out with him, it was also a really good excuse. I just couldn't stand seeing any more people. The past year has been filled with so many people and as I recall, I've been so exhausted to the point of breaking because there's just been one thing after another with no pit stops for me to rest. I just can't. My quota is really like the same 5 people on a twice a month a basis but now? ㅠㅠ
It has been difficult, I know it will continue being so. And I can only do my best (or heartbroken trying).
Because you are the only exception.
Labels: 100daysofspring, lovelife, thoughts
+ posted on Friday, January 9, 2015 at 12:33 AM
***
I absolutely disagree. It just doesn't seem right.
I know that expectations are pretty much equivalent to disappointments. But that's just one way to look at it.
Why is it that the moment we have expectations, we are setting ourselves up for failure? Especially when it comes to love and relationships.
What is wrong with expecting respect, compassion, understanding, acceptance, loyalty, reciprocity, equality, etc. from someone we have decided to commit ourselves to who (hopefully) has done the same to us?
All of us have roles to play. For myself, I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a girlfriend, a student, and a worker. As I take on each role, I have different responsibilities and thus, different expectations from myself as well as from others. As a daughter, I care for my parents. I am (to the best I can) a filial daughter. As a sister, I care for my siblings. I am aware of what's going on in their lives, I take interest and when necessary, I am there for them in whatever capacity I can be. You get where I'm going, yes?
So, naturally there are expectations. I either play my role well or terribly. I either keep to my expectations, exceed them if I'm a perfectionist or perform below them if I'm lazy, undedicated and ungrateful.
When it comes to love, there should be expectations. I mean, clearly you don't want your partner to beat you up when he/she is drunk. And this implies that you have an expectation that your partner should know how to behave with their alcohol. Yes, this is sort of an extreme example but there has to be expectations.
Now, empty promises, I don't condone. Don't say things you don't mean. If you cannot find an ounce of sincerity in the words that are coming out of your mouth, don't say them at all! If you are going to apologize, saying how you'll never do it again, and you don't mean them, don't say it. It's not like we cannot tell. Or even something that could be romantic like making promises about the future, saying how your love will be forever, okay, these words could be sincere and maybe even come true but don't use them willy-nilly. Treat the words as precious stones, use them only when your heart cannot be surer of anything else. Okay?
Sorry, got a little distracted. Expectations are good, in fact, they are necessary in a romantic relationship. I had a 'relationship' once where I decided I wasn't going to expect anything, neither was he. Guess what? He took me for granted and towards the end when I had to give him an ultimatum, I realised that he had never wanted me to belong in his life. I was of no importance to him and really, he wanted nothing to do with me. Look, expectations are a natural occurrence resulting from committing yourself to a relationship. Stop fighting it!
There is a reason why we use the word commitment when we talk about people going serious in their relationships. Commitment is beyond the blazing emotions and physical attraction you have for your partner, commitment is about investing in a relationship you've decided is worth the risk and when you're in, you're all the way in. Ideally, both of you.
Just like when you invest your money in something, there are expected returns, yes? It's the same in a relationship. You invest your time, your effort, your heart and you expect to get something in return. Oh, unconditional love is awesome but it doesn't mean you take someone for granted. Unconditional love simply means that you love regardless of their appearances, circumstances, quirks and oddities, and the challenges that life will throw along our ways.
But expectations means we are treated as human beings deserving of love, attention, care, commitment, transparency, inclusion and nourishment (bold-ing because these are our rights, yo). And of course, expectations go both ways. In fact, it is advisable that such matters are discussed early in the relationship. Then, you would understand what you need to do and contribute to ensure a healthy and loving relationship. I won't go into the topic of communication but it is like THE most important thing in a relationship. Expectations are only scary and harmful when they are hidden and pushed aside, as if our desires and hopes do not matter. If you don't look after yourself, who will?
If you are just starting and things are still shaky, I am even more adamant that you are honest about the whole thing. Don't scare people off with too much but explain what you want from the relationship so that the other side understands what he/she is getting into. I'll use myself as example, when I started my relationship with current boyfie, I told him straight out that I'm looking to marry and build a family. If he is not into that or see himself in a future where family is involved, I needed to know. Fortunately for me, he was not scared away. Although he did not promise to anything, at least he is not unaware of my future plans. Perhaps, in time, he might even join me in that dream but what I needed to tell him was where I stand and that I'm serious about the whole thing. If he was not serious about the relationship, let's just say he'll be single right now.
If you are in a loving and beautiful relationship, your partner would appreciate that you are not some airhead romantic that believes in happily-ever-afters and that love simply falls into your lap and the days will be ever bright from then on. Relationships need work and communication and yes, expectations. Your relationship needs to go somewhere, doesn't it?
Side note: I am writing these from a female perspective but I feel equally as strong for the men. This is not some feminist rant. These applies to all genders, because in the end, all of us deserve happiness and love.
//
I have no idea why I wrote this long-ass thing. It was just something running in my head and then, I saw all these quotes and I just got annoyed.
And also, because in my own relationship, I have expectations and I believe that my boyfriend should have expectations of me too. Where do you think the saying, "love brings out the best of each other" come from? If we don't hold ourselves and our partner to a certain standard, we will never amount to anything.
Okay, enough writing for now. Gosh, I should be writing my thesis.
Good night.
xoxo
So, naturally there are expectations. I either play my role well or terribly. I either keep to my expectations, exceed them if I'm a perfectionist or perform below them if I'm lazy, undedicated and ungrateful.
When it comes to love, there should be expectations. I mean, clearly you don't want your partner to beat you up when he/she is drunk. And this implies that you have an expectation that your partner should know how to behave with their alcohol. Yes, this is sort of an extreme example but there has to be expectations.
Now, empty promises, I don't condone. Don't say things you don't mean. If you cannot find an ounce of sincerity in the words that are coming out of your mouth, don't say them at all! If you are going to apologize, saying how you'll never do it again, and you don't mean them, don't say it. It's not like we cannot tell. Or even something that could be romantic like making promises about the future, saying how your love will be forever, okay, these words could be sincere and maybe even come true but don't use them willy-nilly. Treat the words as precious stones, use them only when your heart cannot be surer of anything else. Okay?
Sorry, got a little distracted. Expectations are good, in fact, they are necessary in a romantic relationship. I had a 'relationship' once where I decided I wasn't going to expect anything, neither was he. Guess what? He took me for granted and towards the end when I had to give him an ultimatum, I realised that he had never wanted me to belong in his life. I was of no importance to him and really, he wanted nothing to do with me. Look, expectations are a natural occurrence resulting from committing yourself to a relationship. Stop fighting it!
There is a reason why we use the word commitment when we talk about people going serious in their relationships. Commitment is beyond the blazing emotions and physical attraction you have for your partner, commitment is about investing in a relationship you've decided is worth the risk and when you're in, you're all the way in. Ideally, both of you.
Just like when you invest your money in something, there are expected returns, yes? It's the same in a relationship. You invest your time, your effort, your heart and you expect to get something in return. Oh, unconditional love is awesome but it doesn't mean you take someone for granted. Unconditional love simply means that you love regardless of their appearances, circumstances, quirks and oddities, and the challenges that life will throw along our ways.
But expectations means we are treated as human beings deserving of love, attention, care, commitment, transparency, inclusion and nourishment (bold-ing because these are our rights, yo). And of course, expectations go both ways. In fact, it is advisable that such matters are discussed early in the relationship. Then, you would understand what you need to do and contribute to ensure a healthy and loving relationship. I won't go into the topic of communication but it is like THE most important thing in a relationship. Expectations are only scary and harmful when they are hidden and pushed aside, as if our desires and hopes do not matter. If you don't look after yourself, who will?
If you are just starting and things are still shaky, I am even more adamant that you are honest about the whole thing. Don't scare people off with too much but explain what you want from the relationship so that the other side understands what he/she is getting into. I'll use myself as example, when I started my relationship with current boyfie, I told him straight out that I'm looking to marry and build a family. If he is not into that or see himself in a future where family is involved, I needed to know. Fortunately for me, he was not scared away. Although he did not promise to anything, at least he is not unaware of my future plans. Perhaps, in time, he might even join me in that dream but what I needed to tell him was where I stand and that I'm serious about the whole thing. If he was not serious about the relationship, let's just say he'll be single right now.
If you are in a loving and beautiful relationship, your partner would appreciate that you are not some airhead romantic that believes in happily-ever-afters and that love simply falls into your lap and the days will be ever bright from then on. Relationships need work and communication and yes, expectations. Your relationship needs to go somewhere, doesn't it?
Side note: I am writing these from a female perspective but I feel equally as strong for the men. This is not some feminist rant. These applies to all genders, because in the end, all of us deserve happiness and love.
//
I have no idea why I wrote this long-ass thing. It was just something running in my head and then, I saw all these quotes and I just got annoyed.
And also, because in my own relationship, I have expectations and I believe that my boyfriend should have expectations of me too. Where do you think the saying, "love brings out the best of each other" come from? If we don't hold ourselves and our partner to a certain standard, we will never amount to anything.
Okay, enough writing for now. Gosh, I should be writing my thesis.
Good night.
xoxo
+ posted on Wednesday, January 7, 2015 at 2:42 AM
Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.
"Pooh?" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand.
"I just wanted to be sure of you.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
//
I think that's why I make so many incomprehensible sounds or call your name for seemingly no reason sometimes.
Heeh.
♥
♥
Labels: 100daysofspring, lovelife, quote, rawr
+ posted on Friday, December 26, 2014 at 6:43 PM
Today is Day 212.
Not a significant day or anything but I thought I should write an update.
Things have been going really well. I am happy and I don't feel guilty or undeserving about it. It has not been the most smooth-sailing journey but as clichéd as it sounds, it doesn't matter as long as I'm with you.
I've noticed small things that you do now that you didn't used to do. Small gestures like touching me when you walk past, putting a hand over my shoulder after I bumped into a guy that used to like me (territorial much?), being sort of jealous, declaring that I'm yours, kissing me in front of your grandma(!), and finally understanding that there is no point arguing with me. Haha.
There's also been a few surprises lately; fixing my car wipers, washing my car, finally writing that love note (even though you cheated!), buying me Ms. Sunshine, and understanding what I needed when I had a really bad day the other day.
If I wasn't in love with you before, I'm definitely all in now, like head over heels in. It's not as scary although there will be times where I'll freak out.
I'm slowly moving towards you, I think because you are also slowly moving towards me. I cannot be any more happier about this and I am ever grateful that you've open up your heart to me.
Sometimes, yea, I do feel like I'm overdosing. May be an introvert thing, may be it's my fear speaking but either way, I think our arrangement now works (for me, anyway. Heh.) and I can live with this.
A part of me wants more, I think I'll always do until I get it. More than anything, the timing is just not now or in the coming few years. Oh, but I do love a good daydream. So, I gotta make sure my fantasies don't go overboard less I scare everyone away.
Another thing that I have to take into account which I'm not letting myself worry about until I hand up my thesis is what the hell am I going to do for my future. I feel like there are so many paths that I can take but because I want to be the best at what I'll do, I'm getting really lost.
My heart's desire is still Korea but I don't know if that can be possible. Yea, just a lot things to figure out but till then, lets focus on my unwritten paper.
I'm gonna leave this for now. Time to hit the sack.
Goodnight.
Not a significant day or anything but I thought I should write an update.
Things have been going really well. I am happy and I don't feel guilty or undeserving about it. It has not been the most smooth-sailing journey but as clichéd as it sounds, it doesn't matter as long as I'm with you.
I've noticed small things that you do now that you didn't used to do. Small gestures like touching me when you walk past, putting a hand over my shoulder after I bumped into a guy that used to like me (territorial much?), being sort of jealous, declaring that I'm yours, kissing me in front of your grandma(!), and finally understanding that there is no point arguing with me. Haha.
There's also been a few surprises lately; fixing my car wipers, washing my car, finally writing that love note (even though you cheated!), buying me Ms. Sunshine, and understanding what I needed when I had a really bad day the other day.
If I wasn't in love with you before, I'm definitely all in now, like head over heels in. It's not as scary although there will be times where I'll freak out.
I'm slowly moving towards you, I think because you are also slowly moving towards me. I cannot be any more happier about this and I am ever grateful that you've open up your heart to me.
Sometimes, yea, I do feel like I'm overdosing. May be an introvert thing, may be it's my fear speaking but either way, I think our arrangement now works (for me, anyway. Heh.) and I can live with this.
A part of me wants more, I think I'll always do until I get it. More than anything, the timing is just not now or in the coming few years. Oh, but I do love a good daydream. So, I gotta make sure my fantasies don't go overboard less I scare everyone away.
Another thing that I have to take into account which I'm not letting myself worry about until I hand up my thesis is what the hell am I going to do for my future. I feel like there are so many paths that I can take but because I want to be the best at what I'll do, I'm getting really lost.
My heart's desire is still Korea but I don't know if that can be possible. Yea, just a lot things to figure out but till then, lets focus on my unwritten paper.
I'm gonna leave this for now. Time to hit the sack.
Goodnight.
사랑은 병, 중독 Overdose
시간이 지날수록 통제는 힘들어져
점점 깊숙이 빠져간다
Labels: 100daysofspring, lovelife, thoughts
+ posted on Wednesday, November 26, 2014 at 2:04 AM
I love you.
I'm waiting to say that to you.
But I don't know if I'll ever get to.
Labels: 100daysofspring, lovelife
+ posted on Tuesday, October 28, 2014 at 1:37 AM
You know its not a good thing when I start writing so much. Because it means I'm thinking. Okay, not just thinking but over thinking and over analyzing and going crazy over all the little details that might or might not matter. But I'll let the pictures do the talking. Because my words feel so insufficient. Why is this love so damn difficult?
.jpg)
But...
I know I said I won't wait anymore. That was a load of bull obviously.
I feel used. I feel like I'm being taken for granted, being taken advantage of.
Would you ever pick up the phone on your own accord and call me? And talk to me the way you talk to other girls, like they are fascinating and amusing, with that smile in your voice?
Am I wrong for thinking that we could be something for real?
***
***
No. 5 hits me especially hard, but then, I guess, so does every other number.
I wonder when you will remember about the box.
Labels: 100daysofspring, lovelife, lovesucks, question, rant, sadface, thoughts
+ posted on Thursday, August 14, 2014 at 1:44 AM
It seems I have a boyfriend now. It feels... weird. I am not exactly sure how to do this now that I am actually in a relationship that doesn't exactly have a dateline. I got used to not planning anything or imagining or wanting to do something. Now that I can, I am apprehensive and slightly afraid. The permanence of this, the fact that this is happening is so strange and suddenly so foreign.
It is indeed a new chapter, new in more ways than I imagined. But I'm happy, so I'll hold onto that for a while.
Labels: 100daysofspring, lovelife, thoughts
+ posted on Tuesday, August 12, 2014 at 6:28 PM
Why are you the open water that leaves me floundering
and not the buoy that I can hold on to?
and not the buoy that I can hold on to?
Why are you the waves that toss me around
and not the ship that I can be secure in?
and not the ship that I can be secure in?
Why are you the unpredictable weather that calms then rages around me
and not the arms that shelter me?
Why are you the anchor that drowns me,
not the one that grounds me?
***
Its always been love for me. Because I wouldn't have gone into it any other way.
Perhaps I knew the moment you touched me.
Please don't take my love for granted.
Labels: 100daysofspring, lovelife, made
+ posted on Tuesday, June 24, 2014 at 12:05 AM
Can I spill a little secret here?
Can I share something that has been on my mind for a while now, accumulating like dust, making me feel smothered and old?
It's not actually something negative or bad. Its an observation turned desire, a fantasy any girl would have on the kind of love they want.
And I want a very simple, ordinary one. Perhaps it's my draw in life, the path God has set me upon but when it comes to love and relationships, it has never been exactly smooth sailing or simple.
My idea of simple is simple really, it's a bit old-fashioned, definitely romantic and straightforward. I've seen a lot of couples around me, those who are friends, those who just walk past me in the mall and I guess this is what came out of all my observations and envy.
The reason I say that my relationships have never been easy or simple is because none of them occurred within my natural setting. My first relationship was long distance, my second one was in Korea who also turned out to be an a******, the other two that were the most significant and beautiful only lasted for a while because they weren't meant to work out any other way. The strangest thing is none of my relationships happened where I am right now.
I want a guy who is around me, who is able to be physically present next to me, who I can lean on, depend on and spend everyday together (not that that's I would do but at least, its possible). There's never been a time in my previous relationships where I can say, "I'm hungry, can you bring me some food?" or "I miss you, can I see you now?" because somehow, I'm always in a circumstance that doesn't allow for that.
I want a very normal kind of relationship, one that everyone seem to be having except me. The kind where I can go for midweek dates, watch the latest movies the moment they open, plan the weekends and go around trying new food and exploring new places. The kind where I can be spontaneous and impulsive, knowing that he is actually present to catch me when I fall.
The kind where I can introduce him to my friends and we hang out together. The kind where we share responsibilities; our cars, our families, our finances, the kind where we can raise a pet together. The kind where he's been around so often that he's seen me cry, seen me angry, seen me frustrated, seen me embarrassed, seen me stressed, seen me at my ugliest, seen me at my prettiest. The kind where he's been around enough to find out about my habits, my ticks, my pet peeves, the signs that I give out when I'm nervous or when I'm trying to act strong but I'm actually crumbling on the inside.
The kind where we have inside jokes, where we can share a look and know what the other party is thinking about. The kind where we spent so much time together that we start acting like each other. The kind where we see a future together and actually make concrete, achievable plans for that future to come true; a home, a family, to grow old together.
And the thing is I need that guy to be present with me for all these to happen. It feels like all my previous relationships have had a lot of restrictions on them; distance, curfews, feelings for ex-girlfriend, different nationalities. I know I sound pessimistic and possibly ungrateful but the reason I feel so conflicted is because I am heading into a relationship where I know for a fact that everything I just wrote up there has no chance of happening.
Although I am stronger now, more stable, more independent to handle the distance (yes, its a LDR, something that I promised myself I would never go into), I don't know if I'll be okay with just words and phone calls instead of actions and physical presence. You'd think then, why would I even consider going into this relationship?
Because over the years, I have realized that it isn't easy at all to find a guy that I like who likes me back. Its always one way or the other. I've had my share of guys who chased after me but the reason I haven't been in a dozen or more relationships is because I simply felt no attraction towards them. Don't get me wrong, most of them are very decent, very nice young men who are well-educated, capable and definitely comes with a bright future ahead.
So, yes, I like this guy who to my utter confusion, also likes me back. And that's why I'm taking this risk, taking this chance well knowing that its 50/50 on whether its going to work out. It doesn't mean I'm not afraid or doubtful or wary. Its been difficult for me to trust people and now, I have to trust this guy by only basing it on his words and my instincts (which has been known to be faulty).
Do you know how many things you can hide in a ldr? I would know so little of him and I wouldn't even have the opportunity to share any part of his life other than the one that he tells me about. Same goes for me. But isn't it the point of having a boyfriend, so that he becomes my companion, my partner, the witness to my life as I would be to his?
It seems that I end a lot of my thoughts and writings with a sigh. I'm not looking for answers or solutions. I just feel unsettled and impatient. I really like this guy.
Would you really go anywhere for me?
Labels: lovelife, mine, perhapslove, thoughts
+ posted on Sunday, April 13, 2014 at 7:29 PM
Music has always been an important part of my life and its no wonder that to every relationship/love story I've been through, there is a background music, a particular song that will always remind me of a particular person.
Lately, I've been quite scarred by the guys who have been waltzing in and out of my life. Partially my fault, I don't deny but a relationship is two-way, no? Anyway, going off tangent here. What I want to do is just document the songs that will always bring that particular person's memories back to me. And maybe it will tell a story that can show me what to do next.
'C'
Bruno Mars - Grenade
although the song has a kinda sadistic feel towards it, it isn't the lyrics that reminds me of him. its the way he used to sing it all the time and he'd translate and sing it in Malay. it was always hilarious for me when he does it. strangely, towards the end of our relationship, the lyrics of the song made some sense to me. whenever I hear it now, its always with a bittersweet taste. I remember him and the good times we had but I also remember that the relationship was not really right to begin with.
"Should've known you was trouble from the first kiss"
Plain White T's - Rhythm of Love
this song reminds me of the dream I had for both of us, a naive, innocent dream of a girl who thought she was in love and that this love would last forever. well, that dream certainly didn't come to pass.
"Play the music low and sway to the rhythm of love"
'KS'
Keane - Somewhere Only We Know
Second bf was first love, first heartbreak. I heard this song somehow when I started having feelings for him. the song made sense of everything that I was feeling about the whole thing. Even now, a part of me (a very irrational and pathetic part) wishes we could have gone somewhere only we know, somewhere only two of us exist cus maybe then, it would have worked out.
"This could be the end of everything, so why don't we go somewhere only we know?"
'JH'
Zion T - ? (Question Mark)
this was one of his favorite song to sing in karaoke. when he first sang it, I didn't know who the artist was or what the song was about. it was only when I came back to Malaysia and stumbled upon it again, realized that its an awesome song that I remembered that it was the exact same song he liked. it was such a coincidence and when I knew the lyrics, it was the perfect song to describe how I felt about what we had. perhaps it was the cultural difference (he's Korean) because I really felt like a fish out of water with him. I didn't know what to do or what to expect, so it was awkward sometimes. it wasn't a bad relationship, I had a really good time and we're still friends now. this is one of those relationships that just slides back into easy friendship because we had a clear understanding of the relationship.
"물음표 물음표 찍게 만들어"
'JB'
there really isn't any song that reminds me of him. I chose this because we sang this together when we were at the karaoke. there isn't really a song simply because the time we spent together was so short and yet so filled up with good memories that my brain had no time nor space to think of a song. sometimes, or maybe once in your lifetime, you meet this one person who fits your romantic fantasies, who is the perfect person to play the role you've always had in your mind, who is like a dream come true. 오빠 was this person to me. He was the perfect example of the Korean boyfriend, my kind of boyfriend and truthfully, now that I think back, despite the language barrier, he really got me and not just that, accepted and appreciated me for the way I am. despite all that, I know that our relationship will end when I come back to Malaysia but there is really no regrets. the four days I spent with him will forever be etched in my memory. and one day, maybe I will go and find him or maybe not.
"Falling slowly, sing your melody. I'll sing along"
'BL'
Taylor Swift - I Knew You Were Trouble
I didn't have a relationship with this guy really but he taught me a very important lesson on how much a relationship means to me.
"Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now"
'B'
I liked him, you know. I really did and it took me quite a lot of courage to trust him. But he didn't care enough to make space for me in his life.
"요즘 따라 내꺼인 듯 내꺼 아닌 내꺼 같은 너
'J'
A Great Big World, Christina Aguilera - Say Something
'C'
Bruno Mars - Grenade
although the song has a kinda sadistic feel towards it, it isn't the lyrics that reminds me of him. its the way he used to sing it all the time and he'd translate and sing it in Malay. it was always hilarious for me when he does it. strangely, towards the end of our relationship, the lyrics of the song made some sense to me. whenever I hear it now, its always with a bittersweet taste. I remember him and the good times we had but I also remember that the relationship was not really right to begin with.
"Should've known you was trouble from the first kiss"
Plain White T's - Rhythm of Love
"Play the music low and sway to the rhythm of love"
'KS'
Keane - Somewhere Only We Know
"This could be the end of everything, so why don't we go somewhere only we know?"
'JH'
Zion T - ? (Question Mark)
this was one of his favorite song to sing in karaoke. when he first sang it, I didn't know who the artist was or what the song was about. it was only when I came back to Malaysia and stumbled upon it again, realized that its an awesome song that I remembered that it was the exact same song he liked. it was such a coincidence and when I knew the lyrics, it was the perfect song to describe how I felt about what we had. perhaps it was the cultural difference (he's Korean) because I really felt like a fish out of water with him. I didn't know what to do or what to expect, so it was awkward sometimes. it wasn't a bad relationship, I had a really good time and we're still friends now. this is one of those relationships that just slides back into easy friendship because we had a clear understanding of the relationship.
"물음표 물음표 찍게 만들어"
'JB'
Once - Falling Slowly
"Falling slowly, sing your melody. I'll sing along"
'BL'
Taylor Swift - I Knew You Were Trouble
"Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now"
'B'
Soyou, Jung Gi Go - Some
I liked him, you know. I really did and it took me quite a lot of courage to trust him. But he didn't care enough to make space for me in his life.
"요즘 따라 내꺼인 듯 내꺼 아닌 내꺼 같은 너
니꺼인 듯 니꺼 아닌 니꺼 같은 나"
'J'
A Great Big World, Christina Aguilera - Say Something
this wasn't a relationship. this wasn't a love story.
this is just a stark reminder that people guys suck sometimes (I'm leaning towards most of the time).
"Say something, I'm giving up on you"
xxx
Labels: love, lovelife, morelikenonexistentlovelife, oh love, thoughts, 사랑
+ posted on Saturday, March 1, 2014 at 10:50 AM
i should have known from the start.
anxiety. uncertainty.
when can i breathe again?
Labels: lovelife, morelikenonexistentlovelife, rant, sadface, thoughts
+ posted on Friday, February 21, 2014 at 10:01 PM
it's a new year.
i believe this is the only year i wish will zoom past me in a blink of an eye. i didn't used to have a problem with going by day by day, accepting whatever it is that comes by.
but this 2014, i really would like it to just pass and if possible, leave me unharmed. doubt that's possible though.
there is this guy that i may like. i wish he likes me back so that i can like him more. i think i'm waiting. i'm not sure how long i can wait or if i'm supposed to.
왜 사랑은 항상 나에게 아프지합니까?
somehow, i don't see a happy ending.
+ posted on Saturday, January 25, 2014 at 4:14 PM
